SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A 35-year-old man from Jacksonville, Fla., was charged Tuesday with 26 counts of cyber-related crimes for hacking. The suspect was arrested on October 12 by federal agents after an 11-month investigation. His victims include Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, Christina Aguilera, and additional people identified only by the initials B.P., J.A., L.B., L.S., D.F. and B.G. Because of the explicit nature of the photographs, authorities worry that the unnamed celebrities may turn out to be Beth Grant, J.J. Abrams, Larry David, Laura San Giacomo, Dave Foley and Brad Garrett. “If nude pictures of these individuals leaked to the press, I can’t imagine the extent of the damage. I’d say half of the American public would need some sort of grief counselling or PTSD treatment,” one FBI official said.

If convicted, the suspect could face 121 years in prison. Before the court this week, he pleaded not guilty and claimed that his actions were, as he was told, a routine part of a job application process for News International.

“Look, I just wanted a simple gig as a copy editor,” the suspect explained. “Starting out small and working my way up, you know? Then this James Murdoch guy comes in after the HR lady and tells me that to work for his paper, I need to pass a little test. One thing led to another, and here I am.”

Although the accused hacker was freed on $110,000 bond, the presiding Los Angeles court judge set a trial date for late December.

“The Nuremberg Defense holds as much saurkraut here as it did in Nuremberg,” the judge said. “The accused knew perfectly well what he was doing. He wasn’t hopped up on spongecake or clever enough to invoke the Chewbacca Defense. He was a small-time journalist looking to the Murdochs for work. Come on.”

The suspect will be allowed to return home, but must wear a monitoring device.

“Funny, James Murdoch told me the same thing,” the man said. “Then he gave me a company cell phone. Weird, right?”

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