“Days like this don’t come around too often,” Waylon told reporters. “Can’t even get a piece some nights. But yesterday, I saw lots of action. I plowed the clerk at a Circle K when he snuck out to the alley for a smoke, boned three little hipster chicks rotten in the parking structure by Amoeba Records, and then I just strolled into this old biddy’s house and let her have it.”
Waylon said the lack of available law enforcement personnel had become so apparent that he allowed his last victim to call 9-1-1 during her horrifying and admittedly brutal ordeal.
“Hell, she was still on hold while I was toweling off on her quilt,” Waylon explained.
A local child molester on probation also lauded the LAPD effort to clear the Occupy LA group: “Best day ever. Didn’t need to drive all over town, buy a bunch of roofies, move my van from the corner by the grammar school, nothing. It was like Christmas come early, man.”
And Cyrus Klogshollow, an incorrigible flasher who has been under house arrest six years for exposing himself to nuns, said Wednesday marked the first unsupervised outing he’s risked since Easter.
In the wake of countless complaints, one councilperson grilled Chief Beck over plans for future Occupy LA evictions: “The protesters are going to reassemble elsewhere in the city. How will you ensure adequate response times to more serious crimes while so many officers are babysitting a sit-in?”
Beck responded: “What could be more serious than camping out in a city park illegally? That’s a serious offense. Just sitting there with their arms locked, emulating the ‘tortoise’ tactic used by Roman armies -- the same people who killed Christ, I might remind you. Strong intimations of empires and foreign occupations, which goes against everything the US of A stands for. Very dangerous.”
Beck also defended the use of enhanced protective gear.
“You can never be too careful,” he cautioned. “These dirty hippies have been festering in their own filth for weeks. They could infect our resources. And, they were passing around powdered doughnuts. That’s cop bait, people. What if those pastries had been laced with anthrax? You never know. Rape is a lot of ‘she said,’ ‘he said’ squabbling that’s impossible to resolve. Trespassing is about as black and white -- and perilous -- as it gets.”
(c) 2011. See disclaimers.