Friday, November 25, 2011

Hundreds of Shoppers Pepper-sprayed After Police Confuse ‘Black Friday’ Campers with Occupy Protesters

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) --Horror befell the suburban serenity of Bennington Vale late Thursday night when police mobilized after a Thanksgiving dinner sponsored by Yoyodyne Financial Services to suppress Occupy San Narciso demonstrators as they slept. SNPD spokesman Ren Williams explained: “This has become routine procedure around the country. There are fewer protesters about late at night, which makes it easier to infiltrate their camps and expel them.”

“We certainly support the rights of citizens to peaceably assemble,” Williams continued, “but as the CEO of Yoyodyne Inc. astutely pointed out, overnight camping is illegal in the county. It’s also a very serious crime, under the category of vagrancy. Often times, we’re required to hold down sleeping campers, pry their mouths open and shoot pepper spray down their throats. Otherwise, they’ll keep right on sleeping and breaking the law.”

But during last night’s patrol, a breakdown in communication between dispatchers and field units led to hundreds of innocent consumers being seriously injured by police in riot gear.

Mayor Manny DiPresso issued a formal apology Friday afternoon: “Lately, the Occupy movement in the county has not only disrupted business but undermined the sanctity of our community. These people have been wilfully violating laws put in place to maintain safety through order. They won’t go away, which means we need to send the police out there to enforce the law. What happened last night, we’re still investigating. It seems that police noticed hundreds of tents stationed outside the Walmart. Communications with dispatch had gone dark. Fearing that the ten-person Occupy SN movement had multiplied overnight to dangerous levels, our officers took action. As a result, there are hundreds of shoppers in the hospital recovering from pepper-sprayings and clubbings. We regret the incident, but I will not be holding the department accountable for what is clearly an honest mistake with the best of intentions.”

DiPresso ensured that all of the people admitted to the hospital would receive laptops to use during their convalescence.

“We don’t want them missing out on the Black Friday deals they were camping out to take advantage of,” he said. “We hope this helps.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.