“First of all,” said Green, “some cracker radio station’s always playing Arlo Guthrie’s ‘Alice’s Restaurant’ after dinner. It’s about of bunch of spoiled white kids who ‘take on the system’ because they don’t like the city’s policy about using the garbage dump. Boo hoo, man. Then we have to endure the humiliation of flying monkeys on ‘Wizard of Oz,’ which they always show after Thanksgiving. And if all that weren’t bad enough, the day is known as ‘Black Friday.’ I think they call it that because the stores sell everything cheap. You know, at prices BLACK brothers and sisters can afford. So we’re marching to show San Narciso how to put the black back in Black Friday.”
Unfortunately for Green, the throng of rabid shoppers rushing out of the mall like a mythical Sumerian deluge was no match for the eight members of ABRA CADABRA who were protesting outside. Following the massacre, most of the residents responsible for trampling and crushing five ABRA CADABRA representatives to death said they never even saw them.
Bethany Brightslice, a homemaker from Bennington Vale, told reporters: “I swear, I never saw them. I mean, all the vendors were shoving signs in our faces. You know -- Buy This, Half Off That, Turkey Has Dark Meat Too. In the frenzy and confusion, I just kept pushing ahead. I had no idea what was really happening underfoot. How could anyone tell the difference between the black girl selling facial cream at the kiosk and the black man with the ideological and politically charged civil rights posters? All I knew was that Gottsgeld was selling out of reduced price iPads, lemon zesters and Amish-made faux fireplace heaters. It was an honest mistake, which is why the police didn’t press any charges.”
In the wake of the incident, San Narciso’s law enforcement officials are trying to prevent potential bloodshed on “Cyber Monday” by posting flyers throughout the county explaining that the term refers to discounted prices on electronic merchandise, not an invitation to recognize the community’s many computer-obsessed shut-ins still living with their parents in Bennington Vale.
(c) 2011. See disclaimers.