"I'm sorry, Mitt, but how gay are you? You were antagonized by a bad hairstyle?" -- Gareth Geerldoff, White House social relations specialist

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After years of "evolving" on the issue, President Obama told the press Wednesday that he believes gay couples should be allowed to marry. The president's comments marked an historic first for the civil rights of homosexuals, as no previous commander-in-chief has publicly expressed support for same sex unions. Advocates for equality in the United States praised Obama's bold announcement. Social conservatives criticized Obama and warned that the risky political move will jeopardize his appeal to right-leaning independents and Christians of all ideological persuasions, effectively handing those votes to Mitt Romney, the GOP's presumed candidate in this November's election. More than Obama endorsing sodomy, conservatives took offense at the president's decision to use the word "evolving," with its insinuation of an unholy alternative to the established seven-day creation process. On Friday, Obama clarified that his statement was not meant to be divisive. Instead, he had hoped to pave a smoother path forward for self-loathing gay Republicans to come out of the closet and find acceptance -- people like Mitt Romney, who try to mask their latent tendencies with bravado or bullying.

PARIS, France (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a strong statement -- as strong as the stench of cigarettes, dachshund droppings, diesel fuel, and musty sweat from a Paris cafe -- the famed French fashion house Chanel announced actor Brad Pitt as the new face of Chanel No. 5 perfume, one of the most famous fragrances in the world. It marks the first time Chanel has selected a man to represent its iconic perfume. Coco Chanel first introduced her No. 5 scent in 1922, although prominent male figures of the day claimed she had released her No. 1 and No. 2 scents to them frequently before that time. The fragrance was named for Coco's affinity with the number five -- most evidenced by the fact that in any given afternoon, Coco Chanel exposed herself to at least five venereal diseases. Although Pitt seems to share Coco Chanel's fondness for promiscuity, home wrecking and existential dread, company representatives explained that Pitt was chosen because of his horrible hygiene. One spokesperson said: "Irony begets irony in this case. It's ironic that a scruffy man was picked to promote a delicate fragrance made exclusively for women. It's more ironic that the French made this decision because of hygiene concerns."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Actor John Travolta has been accused in a federal lawsuit of assault and sexual battery on two male massage therapists, with the plaintiffs providing lurid details about the unwanted advances. The first incident chronicles Travolta's alleged groping of a masseur in a Beverly Hills bungalow, ending with Travolta masturbating himself. The second victim purports that he faced similar molestation while attending to Travolta in Atlanta. The suit seeks $2 million in damages. Travolta's representatives called the suit "a complete fiction and fabrication" in a statement released Tuesday. Surprisingly, however, the defense says it will fight the accusations by citing Travolta's right to freely exercise his religious beliefs as a Scientologist. The 58-year-old star of "White Man's Burden," "Battlefield Earth," "Wild Hogs," "Michael" and the "Look Who's Talking" franchise also plans to countersue for malicious prosecution.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The CIA thwarted another suicide bomb plot involving underwear on Monday. Al Qaeda's affiliate in Yemen was attempting to destroy an airliner bound for the United States using a newly modified explosive device sewn into a pair of men's briefs. The more advanced detonation components could not be picked up by metal detectors or x-ray machines, bolstering the TSA's case for full cavity strip searches of everyone attempting to board a plane. Experts claim the bomb bears all the hallmarks of Ibrahim al-Asiri's handiwork. "The detonation system is of superior craftsmanship, but it also displays an uncharacteristic commitment to comfort and style," one agency spokesperson told reporters. "Let's forget the bomb for a second. This pair of drawers was expertly stitched, tagless, made from expensive Egyptian cotton, and offered full support and a chic contemporary look. Not your father's tidy whities." The CIA believes that neither al-Asiri nor anyone directly engaged with al Qaeda designed the undergarments. U.S. authorities are now launching a full investigation into the operations of Hanes and Fruit of the Loom, the two most likely manufacturers capable of developing such high-end skivvies.

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Alexander Dale Oen, the pride of Norway, took the world swimming championship just a year ago and served as a symbol of resilience and optimism in the aftermath of the horrendous massacre that rocked his homeland. Three days before Oen's victory, Anders Breivik ironically killed 77 of his own countrymen using tactics inspired by al Qaeda to protest Muslim terrorism. Norwegians had harbored high hopes of Oen earning a medal in the upcoming London Olympics, but the 26-year-old swimmer was found dead Tuesday of cardiac arrest in an Arizona pre-Olympic training camp. His demise, when the Norwegian consulate was finally informed, dashed the renewed spirits of a nation still fragile and reeling from the attacks perpetrated by Breivik.