SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Conservative Tea Party lawmakers, attempting a definitive victory in their crusade to stave off the damage from the decades-old War on Christmas, are appealing to federal agencies and embassies abroad to restrict travel visas for pilgrims hoping to visit the resting place of Saint Nicholas. Eager to celebrate the traditional festival of Saint Nicholas Day -- a largely European holiday that falls on December 6 -- groups of Santa Claus enthusiasts regularly travel to the saint's birthplace in Turkey, seeking a deeply personal connection with the holiday. However, workers at the historic preservation site told authorities that several American visitors have collapsed over the last two years and gone into immediate shock at the conclusion of the tour. Doctors claim some pilgrims have remained under medical supervision for post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from journeys dating back to 2009.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Amid the economic showdown between congressional Republicans and the White House, in which President Obama has taken a more hardline stance against negotiating than in times past, most Americans are preparing to tighten their belts should the government fail to prevent a dive off the fiscal cliff. Businesses too are taking precautions. Citigroup, which never fully recovered from the financial crisis, announced Wednesday that it would cut 11,000 jobs -- about four percent of the 262,000 employees in its global workforce. Former CEO Vikram Pandit had hired thousands of workers and invested billions to boost the company's revenues when the economy soured in 2008. New CEO Michael Corbat, who succeeded Pandit after his October 16 ouster, seems to have a much different plan. Corbat expects the deep cuts to save Citigroup $900 million next year, and more in subsequent years. "Because of Pandit's prodigal spending and misguided decision making, Citigroup now faces the prospect of having to withhold over $100 million in executive bonuses," said Len Waybill, head economist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. "In order to keep the company running, it can't afford to lose its leadership. So sacking thousands of low-level peons makes sound business sense. I don't see Corbat having any other choice."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The mountains of "Dear Santa" letters overtaking the back offices of postal facilities across the nation are still graced with adorably childish penmanship and misspellings, but this year's heartfelt scribbles tell the lachrymose tales of Americans in peril who are dealing with economic hardships, disillusionment and loss. But according to postal workers, most of these letters have been authored by adults -- conservative politicians and business leaders now facing the end of their decade-old free ride at the edge of a fiscal cliff, á la "Thelma and Louise." Ephrem Kalthor, postmaster for San Narciso County, said he's finding that for every one letter by a child, at least seven are penned by conservative adults. "A lot of the children's letters have asked Santa to provide clothing and assistance for the victims of Hurricane Sandy," Kalthor told reporters. "It's very touching. And for those with displaced relatives back east, there's a palpable amount of worry in the writing. But nothing to rival the unbridled 'End of Times' dread we're seeing from Tea Party supporters who have actually bargained with Santa to kill the president, lobotomize women and help effect a gay genocide policy."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the U.S. economy teeters on the precipice of the fiscal cliff, two lottery ticket holders -- one in Arizona and one in Missouri -- successfully matched all six numbers to win the largest Powerball jackpot in history. On Wednesday, the prize was estimated at $550 million, after the multi-state contest failed to produce a winner since October. A day later, when the drawing was held, last minute surges in ticket purchases inflated the jackpot to a record $587.5 million. The unprecedented stakes enticed many people who rarely play the lottery to buy into a chance at the second-largest payout in U.S. history, behind the Mega Millions in March 2012 -- among them, a coalition of House Republicans who had worked on a secretive financial rescue deal called "Project Magic Beans."

Lindsay Lohan, 26, prematurely aging

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Comedienne Jenny Johnson not only caused Chris Brown to delete his Twitter account this weekend, she also embroiled herself in a war of flared tempers and deep passions, which has culminated in death threats. Brown -- "Breezy" to his fans -- has a public history of abuse, uncontrollable rage, and rash, provocative outbursts. Yet through it all, the R and B singer's devotees seem willing to forgive his every transgression and defend his dysfunctional behavior against all rational criticism. The latest target of Breezy's zealous admirers is Jenny Johnson, who propelled herself to social networking infamy Sunday when she bashed Brown in a sardonic reply to his Twitter post about premature aging. Brown's original post declared, "I look old as f***. I'm only 23..." Johnson quickly retweeted his message and added, "I know! Being a worthless piece of s*** can really age a person." Since the exchange this weekend, Johnson has received threats ranging from stabbing to raping and killing. Some Team Breezy adherents posted on other prominent sites that they would carry out the deed if given the chance. Less homicidal supporters accused Johnson of libel, which is essentially at the crux of the debate. However, despite the outpouring of hate, Johnson has found allies in the medical community and, more unlikely, in Lindsay Lohan, who admitted that she knows firsthand how "being a worthless piece of s*** can really age a person."