SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to the latest Farmers’ Almanac, which called its annual forecast “clime and punishment,” the frigid, bitterly cold, snow-laden winter that blighted 2014 will continue into the new year with below-normal temperatures for 75 percent of the nation. In some regions of the country, arctic air could plunge the thermometer down to 40 degrees below zero. No region, the Almanac warned, will experience “prolonged spells of above-normal temperatures.” For the myriad citizens likely to be impacted by these adverse weather conditions, a great deal of hope was placed on promises of an early spring yesterday morning from Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog who emerges from his den each February 2 to predict the length of winter. But as 12,000 freezing people gathered before dawn in western Pennsylvania, the world's most malignant marmot saw his shadow and delivered the bad news that winter will last another six weeks. Riots immediately ensued, followed by a gruesome spectacle of revenge reminiscent of an ISIS beheading.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- By now, people on the west coast of the United States know that many segments of Southern California have fallen under Muslim rule. On Monday, the elite team of Islam experts at Fox News released a map from the Clarion Project identifying at least eight U.S. states that have been toppled by regimes bent on imposing Shari’a law. These enclaves, which until now had plagued only isolated cities across the United Kingdom and France, have spread to California, Texas, Michigan, New York, Virginia, Tennessee, South Carolina and Georgia. Outside police are forbidden to enter, and extremist religious prohibitions have replaced our once liberty laden constitutional freedoms -- rules enforced by armed jihadists who patrol the enclaves. Still, the fact remains that Southern California endures as a tourist mecca, the home of Hollywood, trendy beachfront communities and the Magic Kingdom. So how does a visitor safely navigate between famous attractions and no-go zones? Here is a simple traveler’s guide, based on extensive Fox News research, to help you return home with your head attached.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, conservative leaders suffered another setback in the war on women when House Representatives reluctantly canceled a vote on a controversial bill banning abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy, instead replacing it with less extreme restrictions. The decision came one day before the anniversary of the landmark 1973 Supreme Court ruling in Roe v. Wade. But champions for the right-to-life remained undaunted. On Thursday, after a week of fevered brainstorming and amendments, influential House leaders proposed a new “female-friendly” bill. It marks a radical departure in strategy. If passed, male masturbation, in which millions of sperm are left to die on towels or tissues after ejaculation, will be outlawed -- and prosecuted as a capital offense.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, the elite team of Islam experts at Fox News released a map from the Clarion Project identifying at least eight U.S. states that have been toppled by Muslim regimes -- the latest casualties in the alarming rise of “no-go zones.” These enclaves, which until now had plagued only isolated cities across the United Kingdom and France, appear to be spreading. Conservative lawmakers and foreign policy analysts warn that Muslim-controlled no-go zones will continue to infect societies like a global contagion if serious measures are not taken to contain the outbreak. Others say we’re already too late. With the release of a new photo transmitted by NASA’s Curiosity Rover -- showing the silhouette of a man tinkering with the spacecraft, which is stationed on Mars -- anti-terrorism authorities at Fox News believe the crisis has reached galactic proportions.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a rare display of restraint and solidarity, police officers around the nation refrained from gunning down unarmed black children, teens and adults in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which was observed Monday. Based on data compiled from the Fatal Encounters project, approximately 673 African Americans were killed in a hail of police gunfire between 2013 and 2014. But even that figure remains a conservative estimate, as nobody knows precisely how many Americans are slaughtered by frightened patrolmen each year. Criminal justice experts point out that while the federal government and national research groups track mortality figures for unprovoked shark attacks, no reliable data exist to calculate the exact number of people butchered by aggressive police officers each year. With the release of newly obtained footage of Bridgeton, N.J., officers shooting yet another unarmed black man attempting to comply with their orders, peacekeeping agencies around the country assured the public that they will resume their race-based killing sprees soon.