SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Chuck E. Cheese’s is a chain of pizza restaurants and arcades that have become popular locations for children’s birthday parties. And though the company’s slogan touts it as a place “where a kid can be a kid,” the death of a child this weekend in the Ticket Blaster Experience has caused angry parents to pack the streets of Bennington Vale in protest, waving signs that read “Where a Kid Can be a Corpse.”

Yes, we're tweeting the Oscars live for as long as we can stand it. Would've been earlier, but had some trouble at the McDonald's drive through.

http://twitter.com/#!/benningtonvale

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. -- Below average temperatures and powerful winter storms brought a rare snowfall to the City by the Bay this weekend. High elevations in San Francisco saw dustings of snow late Friday, marking the first time flakes have fallen since 1976, when Harvey Milk’s Gay Day Parade and Elvis Presley’s appearance at the Cow Palace brought masses of unwashed, dandruff-ridden hippies to the area.

However, police are warning gleeful residents to exercise caution before taking to the icy streets in celebration. Misprints and humorous headlines in several local papers, although well intentioned, have unwittingly attracted gangs to the city.

One paper ran the headline “City Powders its Nose after Finding Surprise Shipment of Fresh Snow.” A second paper announced that the city’s mayor was “seen openly pushing snow.” And another referred to the powder on the ground as “Jack Frost’s Nose Candy.” The humor was lost on several gangs from nearby Oakland, who infiltrated metropolitan areas of the city Saturday to appraise the “street value” of the snow, according to police intelligence.

Residents should avoid suspicious looking individuals or groups of people in gang attire who are either snorting snow directly off the ground or packaging it in baggies to sell.

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Charlie Sheen, star of the confusingly successful “Two and a Half Men” attacked the producers and creators of the show during a radio interview, prompting CBS to cancel filming for the rest of the season. To fans of quality television, news of the show’s suspension came with sighs of relief. However, for regular CBS viewers, the announcement has led to tears, rage, protests, and even intimations of suicide popping up on Twitter and Facebook sites.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- A series of proposed federal policies and laws, viewed by Democrats and progressives as overtly misogynistic, are currently being considered for local ballot initiatives by prominent San Narciso County Republicans. Responding to the backlash from the small number of liberals in the area, particularly recent high school graduates in Bennington Vale, GOP leaders are reaching out to the wider constituency to explain the motives behind the legislative initiatives and recapture support for their passage.

Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of San Narciso’s foremost conservative political action committee -- Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- responded to the ten concerns raised.