Friday, February 25, 2011

“Two and a Half Men” Cancelled, Charlie Sheen Pitches New Show

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Charlie Sheen, star of the confusingly successful “Two and a Half Men” attacked the producers and creators of the show during a radio interview, prompting CBS to cancel filming for the rest of the season. To fans of quality television, news of the show’s suspension came with sighs of relief. However, for regular CBS viewers, the announcement has led to tears, rage, protests, and even intimations of suicide popping up on Twitter and Facebook sites.

Sheen became upset when the program was temporarily put on hold after he was admitted to a hospital in January. While in rehab, Sheen challenged CBS to cancel the show and put him out of work.

CBS executives obliged, releasing this statement: “Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of ‘Two and a Half Men’ for the remainder of the season.”

Sheen then engaged in a bizarre rant, where he described his talent for curing disease with his mind, his ninja training, his magic fingertips, and his superhuman ability to ward off all forms of sexually transmitted disease despite decades of unprotected and indiscriminate sex with strangers.

In part of Sheen’s response to the creators of “Two and a Half Men,” the actor asked, “What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows -- I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon.”

Rival network ABC Television has offered both parties $20 million if they will consent to granting ABC the exclusive broadcast rights for the fight-to-the-death octagon match.

Charlie Sheen’s family, which includes reputable actors Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez, explained that situations such as this are precisely why Charlie Sheen should be allowed to consort with hookers and abuse copious amounts of drugs.

“Charlie’s never been well mentally. So he self-medicates, which keeps him level enough to perform. ‘Two and a Half Men’ set such a low intellectual bar that we thought he could handle it. We’d always realized that the show was just a sad purgatory where B-list careers went to sputter out and die. But now that the doors to that pathetic shadowland have closed, it’s become a dark, eternal hell. We’re doing everything we can to get Charlie back to the anonymous for-profit sex and illegal drugs he needs to function. Afterward, we’ll be pitching a new concept to CBS involving Charlie, Andrew McCarthy, and Anthony Michael Hall as three blind orderlies in an all female senior center. The horny women will trick the boys into bathing them, slip them their pills, and all other manner of madcap hilarity will ensue. Of course, McCarthy’s character will be there just to cry a lot. He excels at that. We’re promoting the show as a combination of ‘Golden Girls’ and ‘MASH.’ CBS will eat it up, trust us.”