Wednesday, February 9, 2011

NY Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez Says 17-Year-Old Girlfriend Eliza Kruger Has Never Worked in a Mine

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez has set a new record -- or new low, depending on your outlook -- for the outspoken football team, which has been battling the personal demons of several pivotal members throughout the 2010 season. Sanchez is dating a 17-year-old girl named Eliza Kruger, seven years his junior. Prior to this sexually charged controversy, coach Rex Ryan was confronted by reporters about leaked foot fetish videos featuring he and his wife, Michelle. The league had also launched an investigation into whether a Jets player harassed reporter Ines Sainz during a practice. Sanchez personally refuted the latter charge by saying that Sainz “was too old for any of us to be interested in. Didn’t happen.”

According to statements made by Eliza Kruger, supported by a series of revealing messages posted to her Facebook and Twitter sites, the couple hooked up after meeting at an NYC nightclub on New Year’s Eve. While no one has pressured area authorities to investigate why a minor was allowed inside a nightclub, child protection groups are crying foul at Sanchez’s nonchalance in dating a teenage girl.

Sanchez seemed confused by the concerns raised.

“I understand that the law forbids dating a miner [sic], but as far as I can tell, Eliza’s never pulled a single piece of coal from the ground. I don’t see how her age has anything to do with it, but I know that you can’t usually date miners until they’re 18. And why are they even allowed to work in mines before that age? Instead of attacking me, why isn’t someone suing the mining industry for violating child labor laws?”

Eliza Kruger said that before pursuing relations with Sanchez, she made sure to research the legality of dating a minor. Indeed, the legal age of consent in New York is 17. In New Jersey, where Sanchez lives, the age is 16. Not only does that make the relationship less dubious there, it also officially defines New Jersey as the Kentucky of the East Coast.

Sources close to both Sanchez and Kruger said that the relationship turned physical after Sanchez gave Kruger tickets to the Jets vs. Bills game. He had offered her tickets to other games, but she was unable to attend because they fell on school nights.

A friend of Eliza Kruger told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript, “It was totally bitchin’. He hid the tickets in a Bratz Doll that he bought for her. And after the game, he took her to dinner. It was so romantic and dreamy.”

Witnesses at an area McDonald’s verified that Sanchez and Kruger dined there after the game.

“Mark Sanchez had a Big Mac and his little niece had a McNuggets Happy Meal with a ‘My Little Pony’ toy,” explained one observer.

However, with the flood of attention the relationship has attracted, Eliza Kruger has retained the services of a lawyer, worried about how the exposure could negatively affect her reputation.

“I don’t want that image,” Kruger said, comparing the media hype to the turmoil stirred up after the widely publicized discovery of Ashton Kutcher’s affair.

“They don’t let you get a Facebook account until you’re 13, so I haven’t been using it very long. I’m still learning how to get through all the privacy settings, and I didn’t realize that my messages were out there for everyone to see. But what matters is how much I love Mark F’n Sanchez.”

School mates told the press that Kruger has always been fascinated with and propositioned by professional athletes, but she found Ben Roethlisberger too frightening and Brett Favre’s pictures of small hotdogs mysterious and a bit disturbing.
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