Thursday, February 24, 2011

Space Shuttle Discovery’s Last Launch - NASA Dismantles Sound Stages, Ends Expensive Hoax

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Heralding the end of scientific exploration, a significant win for neo-conservatives, Space Shuttle Discovery embarked on its last “voyage” Thursday afternoon. The event marked Discovery’s 39th and final “flight” to the “International Space Station.” To commemorate the end of an era of “astrophysics” and pioneering “scientific achievement,” NASA streamed video of the “launch” live across YouTube and the Playstation 3 Home network for the first time in history. Agency officials begrudgingly admitted that they no longer had the resources or funds to continue creating the elaborate illusion that traveling beyond the earth’s atmosphere was possible.

The Series Finale of a “Most Amazing Show”
Nehemiah Goodman, a theological scientist employed by San Narciso-based Yoyodyne, praised NASA’s decision to retire the shuttle program.

“I think most reasonable people understand that humans have never actually gone into space -- that everything has been filmed on sound stages,” Goodman said. “What began as hope generations ago has sadly turned to hoax. And frankly, it’s just gotten too expensive to maintain such high production values, even with the advances in computer animation. I also think it’s fitting that they’re finally broadcasting it over on-line video sites and video game platforms, since it’s mostly CGI now anyway. It affords the hopelessly nostalgic among us the opportunity to pretend one last time, and to have a more interactive experience. You know, like it’s all really happening.”

When questioned about the images “transmitted” back to earth from the Hubble Space Telescope or the Mars Rover, Goodman agreed that unmanned missions have taken place, but never beyond the planet’s orbit.

“Can you just imagine it?” Goodman pondered. “What we might see traveling that close to the border of Heaven? The human mind wouldn’t be able to comprehend it. No, I think as a society we’ve outgrown the childish idealism of the Kennedy years. We’ve matured into a people who are ready to accept the truth of our existence and the limitations imposed on us by a higher power. All these preposterous notions of global warming, biological homosexuality, evolution, interstellar travel, and the possibility of other life in the universe -- or even other planets -- have created a generation of lazy dreamers and free-thinking hippies who aren’t contributing to the progress of the nation. Otherwise, we certainly wouldn’t be suffering through this economic nightmare.”

Goodman said that the reintegration of NASA personnel into the contemporary workforce would present obvious benefits toward revitalizing America’s manufacturing sector.

“Instead of constructing these fantastic models and machines that essentially do nothing, they can translate those skills into building robots for assembly lines or cars that get better gas mileage. Let’s face facts, solar power would never be a viable replacement for petroleum, but can you imagine how much more efficient our oil production would be with solar-powered drilling equipment? They were working on stuff like that, which we could use in the real world for off-shore pumps.”

Discovery’s crew was made up of actors Steve Lindsey (“Commander”), Eric Boe (“Pilot”), and “mission specialists” Michael Barratt, Alvin Drew, Steve Bowen, and Nicole Stott. Several members of the team expressed hope of finding employment in the private sector as air line pilots or flight attendants. Others said they would try to capitalize on their acting abilities to land roles on soap operas or sitcoms.

Goodman finally pointed out that the “International Space Station,” a warehouse located near a Moscow business complex, would not be dismantled.

“I envision it as a niche cultural center or a very sophisticated comic book convention,” Goodman explained. “Most people have churches, and that’s all the science they need. But for people who refuse to conform with the mainstream, they’ll have a welcoming place to go where they can indulge their science fiction fantasies without feeling like such pariahs.”

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