Thursday, February 3, 2011

Experts Report Gullibility as Conclusive Sign of Homosexuality

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Earlier this week, liberal talk show host Rachel Maddow mistakenly reported a story from a satire Web site as true. is a site devoted to mocking conservative Christians and other American patriots by publishing complete falsehoods and lies. However, there are no prominent disclaimers on the site informing readers that the stories are parody or satire, so it is unknown if the publishers deliberately intend to deceive their readers or if publishing malicious slander cannot legally be considered humor.

Janus Heuchler, director of San Narciso's Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD), dismisses the idea that a Rhodes Scholar could have been deceived by an unsourced article, regardless of how closely it may have conformed to her personal biases.

“If kissing girls made you stupid, I wouldn’t have this lab coat or those diplomas hanging on the wall,” explained Heuchler. “It’s not the sex act that makes you gay, it is your susceptibility to gullibility.”

Heuchler’s research shows that gay pheromones camouflage themselves as pheromones of the opposite sex.

“They say love is blind,” Heuchler continued. “In gay relationships, one is blind to gender. Sometimes that person develops a learned reflex -- an attraction to things that only seem gay, like satire and Feng Shui, while completely dismissing their stupidity. However, we are currently studying the ‘Glee Effect’ with some encouraging results. The Glee Effect, to clarify, posits the premise that if something is ‘gay’ enough, it can instantly turn an otherwise heterosexual person gay.”

When asked to clarify whether this hypothesis supposes that everyone is potentially gay, Heuchler responded, “It’s unlikely, although I admit that I find James Franco sexually attractive; but I wouldn’t be motivated to dismiss his gender unless he emitted gay pheromones. I’ve met him in person, and he wasn’t attracted to me. Therefore, I concluded that neither of us is gay. Likewise, Portia Di Rossi was in the room at the same time, and she also wasn’t attracted to me. So I can conclude that the theory doesn’t work both ways, regardless of how much we want it to.”