Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Obama Declares Defense of Marriage Unconstitutional, Signals Beginning of the End for Humanity

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attorney General Eric Holder issued a statement today announcing that the Department of Justice will no longer defend the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1996. Because President Obama believes that gays suffer continued discrimination, and because historic laws pertaining to gay rights and the classification of sexual orientation have received only cursory review, they deserve a higher level of protection than currently exists. Holder and Obama, also a lawyer, both believe that the section of DOMA that bars legally married gay couples from federal recognition does not meet this higher level of scrutiny.

The announcement is big news for members of  the GLBT community, who have expressed disappointment with the administration’s lackluster efforts to safeguard and enforce their civil liberties. But conservative sociologists point out that Obama’s decision is a dangerous step toward destroying the human race.

Holder’s Statement on DOMA
“In the two years since this Administration took office,” Holder wrote, “the Department of Justice has defended Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act on several occasions in federal court. Each of those cases evaluating Section 3 was considered in jurisdictions in which binding circuit court precedents hold that laws singling out people based on sexual orientation, as DOMA does, are constitutional if there is a rational basis for their enactment.”

“After careful consideration, including a review of my recommendation, the President has concluded that given a number of factors, including a documented history of discrimination, classifications based on sexual orientation should be subject to a more heightened standard of scrutiny. The President has also concluded that Section 3 of DOMA, as applied to legally married same-sex couples, fails to meet that standard and is therefore unconstitutional. Given that conclusion, the President has instructed the Department not to defend the statute in such cases. I fully concur with the President’s determination.”

Word of the decision rocked San Narciso County, whose citizens contributed a staggering amount of money to support California’s Proposition 8, which overturned a previous ruling that had legalized same sex unions in the state.

Janus Heuchler, director of San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD), staunchly opposed Obama’s condemnation of DOMA this morning and has begun working with local political leaders to mobilize a task force in defense of DOMA’s necessity, labeled “The Tristram Foxe Project.”

“Tristram Foxe,” Heuchler explained, “was a revolutionary but obscure European history teacher who wrote extensively on the issues of population control, and postulated that encouraging homosexuality would eventually lead to a government mandate of such immoral practices, culminating in war and cannibalism.”

Humankind’s Future in Peril
In the traditional Foxe scenario, overpopulation occurs as a result of conspicuous consumerism, and demonstrates itself through the limitation and reuse of resources, as well as increasingly cramped living spaces.

Heuchler referenced the push toward renewable energy and recycling as the first sign that society has already achieved a population it can no longer sustain. He cited the shrinking size of lots used in new residential construction, in addition to the housing market crash, as further evidence of a Foxe-esque decline.

Heuchler also suggested that to curb excessive birth rates, according to the Foxe theory, “governments would have little choice but to begin legislating forced self-sterilization. The inevitable conclusion would find heterosexuals the subjects of intense discrimination, but with homosexuals becoming vaunted as the most productive and influential members of society.”

In his original treatise, Foxe wrote:

What else, under these circumstances, could panicked politicians conceivably do? Enacting a federal policy of abstinence is fallacious; sexual desires will out. But by shifting the societal paradigm to one that allows citizens to sate their carnal yearnings while simultaneously being rewarded for their efforts to prevent population growth, governments reach what they consider to be an acceptable compromise. But they fail to account for the reverse discrimination that manifests itself in the wake of these decisions. Totalitarianism takes root, with homosexual police officers, or Greyboys, becoming more active and more repressive, until closeted heterosexuals take to leading false and desperate lives as ‘gays.’ What becomes of these people when caught by Greyboys in heterosexual affairs? Punishments to rival any Orwellian sex crime.

But Heuchler warned that mandatory homosexuality would represent only one facet of these regimes.

“Eventually,” Heuchler said, “governments would begin sending their armed forces to fight in fabricated wars of dubious relevance and geography, solely for the purpose of keeping population numbers dwindling to ‘manageable levels.’ The enormous casualties suffered during combat would realize that goal quickly. But Foxe also pointed out that an unavoidable natural disaster would arise and again change the course of this new society. Then, rebuilding the population would become critical. Open heterosexuality would re-emerge. Fertility rituals would trickle back into the prominence of the collective consciousness. Homosexuals would again be shunned and ostracized. But with no resources, and insufficient human capital to provide needed services, humans would fall prey to their basest survival cannibalism.”

Heuchler went on to prophesy, in step with Foxe’s model, that military personnel dispatched to these false wars would remain stationed in foreign theaters indefinitely, to be murdered and used as food.

“Human flesh, or ‘tinned pork’ as Foxe called it, would be shipped back in the absence of conventional meat,” Heuchler predicted, “creating an emerging industry with economic might. But we’d be living off the unjustly sacrificed flesh of our fallen troops. If you don’t believe it’s possible -- or already happening -- look at Iraq. We were supposed to be in Afghanistan fighting al Qaeda, but then we suddenly diverted our armies to invade a country that had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks in 2001. Also look to the FDA. The agency is changing the rules governing how our meat is produced. That has never happened before. Why is it happening now?”

When asked if he saw any hope for the future, Heuchler lamented, “No, this is President Obama’s ‘Immodest Proposal,’ and it will be the end of our species. There’s no time to turn back now. It must play itself out, as Foxe cautioned so many years ago. And all because Obama was afraid of not getting the queer vote in 2012. I suppose it’s also no coincidence that this is poised to occur in 2012, the date of the Mayan calendar’s apocalypse. May God help us all. Nobody else can.”

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