BREAKING NEWS

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Twitter Reinstates Adams' Account, NBC Files Complaint Against Itself for Posting Corporate Contact Information

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After suspending Independent journalist Guy Adams' Twitter account, under dubious reasoning and at the behest of NBC, Twitter Inc. announced Tuesday the restoration of Adam's account. The decision came after public outcry and a well-reasoned explanation from Adams about accusations that he released the private email address of NBC's Olympics president Gary Zenkel. On Monday, Adams acted as a mouthpiece for millions of frustrated viewers when he posted, "The man responsible for NBC pretending the Olympics haven't started yet is Gary Zenkel. Tell him what u think! Email: Gary.zenkel@nbcuni.com." Adam's critical tweet came in response to Gary.zenkel@nbcuni.com's decision to delay broadcasting the opening ceremonies of the games by six hours. NBC Sports spokesman Christopher.mccloskey@nbcuni.com (whose phone number and email are published on NBC's site) was contacted by Twitter after Adams posted disparaging tweets about the network, prompting NBC to file a complaint with the social media site to protect their executive. Although Twitter issued an apology and reinstated Adam's privileges, Gary.zenkel@nbcuni.com has filed a series of additional complaints with other companies -- including NBC, Google and "whoever owns the Internet" -- that allow the filthy rabble of hoi polloi to contact him.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Iran Executes Bankers for Embezzlement, Earns New Respect Among Many Americans

TEHRAN, Iran (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) --An Iranian court has found four individuals guilty for their parts in a banking scandal that caused serious complications for the government and led to the ouster of several executives. Officials have sentenced those responsible to death. Directors at an Iranian investment company used forged documents to embezzle $2.6 billion in secured loans to purchase state-owned enterprises in the fraudulent scheme. The incident was discovered in 2011, and over 39 people were identified as being involved. "According to the sentence that was issued, four of the accused in this case were sentenced to death," a judiciary spokesman told state media. News of the executions, however localized, managed to draw the attention of politicians in the United States, sparking a polarizing debate between Democrats and Republicans after a surprising number of struggling, middle class taxpayers said the bold move had given them "newfound respect" for Iran.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Chick-fil-A President Defends Marriage Sanctity Views by Calling for Execution of Deflowered Brides

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On July 18, Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy confirmed in no uncertain terms what many had already suspected: that the company's conservative Christian principles support an undeniable anti-LGBT philosophy. Chick-fil-A has a documented history of donating to anti-gay groups, but last week Cathy himself broke with the marketing line Chick-fil-A commonly puts forth -- expressing respect for people of all faiths, colors, creeds and orientations -- writing in a blog post: "I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say, 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.' And I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about." On Friday, however, following the unfortunate death of the company's chief spokesman, Don Perry, Cathy attempted to defend his views. And in an ironic show of support, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg championed Chick-fil-A's right to free speech, calling Cathy's opinions "none of the government's business. Unless they start selling super-sized sodas in my city; then heads will roll."

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Suffering Nation Thanks Kristen Stewart for Infidelity and Badly Needed Distraction

Kevin Winter/Getty Images
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Actress Kristen Stewart released a public apology Wednesday to longtime boyfriend and "Twilight" costar Robert Pattinson after photogs captured proof of her fling with up-and-coming British director Rupert Sanders, who worked with Stewart on the recent "Snow White and the Huntsman" film. The images showed Stewart kissing and hugging Sanders on the set of the movie. "I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry," Stewart, 22, said in a statement. Sanders, nearly 20 years her senior, issued a similar apology to his wife, model Liberty Ross, and their two young children. Even though the pair decided to spend the three-month shoot having sex with each other instead of their legitimate partners, both have expressed regret over the indiscretion and steadfast love for the humiliated cuckolds whose lives they ruined. But Hollywood insiders claim the illicit assignation was actually a selfless sacrifice to help heal a grieving nation.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

MSNBC Mourns Itself as Latest Victim of Colorado Shooting

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As news of the Colorado theater shooting broke last Friday, viewers switched from MSNBC to its competitors Fox News and CNN for live coverage of the attacks carried out by 24-year-old James Holmes. According to Nielsen ratings reports for July 20 -- during the time of the rampage at an Aurora, Colo., Cinemark that left 12 dead and nearly 60 others injured -- MSNBC's primetime audience dipped far below the network's averages. Conversely, CNN's viewership rose by 125 percent while Fox News' audience increased by 11 percent. MSNBC has been struggling over the last year to prevent significant ratings declines in its news broadcasts. For viewers to be turning off the network during a major event is "disheartening," media analyst Brad Adgate told Reuters. Executives at NBC described the massive loss of audience life as a "one of the most terrible and inconceivable horrors of our time."

 
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