Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Suffering Nation Thanks Kristen Stewart for Infidelity and Badly Needed Distraction

Kevin Winter/Getty Images
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Actress Kristen Stewart released a public apology Wednesday to longtime boyfriend and "Twilight" costar Robert Pattinson after photogs captured proof of her fling with up-and-coming British director Rupert Sanders, who worked with Stewart on the recent "Snow White and the Huntsman" film. The images showed Stewart kissing and hugging Sanders on the set of the movie. "I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry," Stewart, 22, said in a statement. Sanders, nearly 20 years her senior, issued a similar apology to his wife, model Liberty Ross, and their two young children. Even though the pair decided to spend the three-month shoot having sex with each other instead of their legitimate partners, both have expressed regret over the indiscretion and steadfast love for the humiliated cuckolds whose lives they ruined. But Hollywood insiders claim the illicit assignation was actually a selfless sacrifice to help heal a grieving nation.

With the current rash of tragedies sweeping the country, Stewart and Sanders have found themselves before a forgiving -- and even grateful -- public.

Truly, the news over the past few months has been troubling and dire. The festering conflict in Syria has assumed a much graver tone as Bashar al-Assad's regime confessed it had weapons of mass destruction and would consider chemical warfare in suppressing rebel forces.

The Aurora, Colo., shooting rampage that claimed 12 lives in the early hours of July 20 has brought an already ailing America to its knees in mourning and despair.

China's deployment of a military garrison to claim a disputed area in the South China Sea to exploit rich oil and gas reserves continues to stir hostilities between China, Vietnam, the Philippines, Malaysia, Brunei, and potentially the United States. With efforts to negotiate at an impasse, the International Crisis Group released a sobering report warning of tensions in the region easily "[spilling] over into armed conflict."

Add to that abysmal list police run amok and riots in Anaheim, storms, drought, intimations of another recession, the inevitability of Mitt Romney opening his mouth, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un's marriage -- which will likely ensure the continuation of that bloodline -- and it's easy to see why people in the United States have had enough.

"As hurt as I am right now, and as much as I wanted the real-life, fairy tale romance of Rob and Kristen to mirror that of Bella and Edward, I just can't be angry," said "Twilight" enthusiast Myra Berkholm, 15, of Aberdeen, Washington. "In a way, this is a gift. It's all over the news right now. It's the first thing you see. All those other horrors I'd been reading about have faded away. I needed the break badly. If I had to face the realities of the world for one more day, I'd probably start cutting myself. Or worse."

The revelation of Stewart and Sander's affair was seen by many as particularly embarrassing to Robert Pattinson, who recently hinted at a future marriage proposal to Stewart and displayed rare public affection for her during the promotion of the forthcoming "Twilight" film at this month's ComiCon in San Diego. A representative for Pattinson said, "Robert's definitely lost some of his sparkle, but he's by no means calling it quits. In fact, like most people right now, he seems to be relieved for the distraction."

Stewart's PR people, however, told a more astounding tale.

"I know it seems dark now, but there's a silver lining here that's already leaving its imprint," assured Connie DiFrensco, an image consultant with the agency representing Stewart. "Soon, we'll be making an official announcement, and it won't be the typical 'exhaustion and dehydration' schlock."

DiFrensco said that Stewart, Sanders, and Pattinson planned the entire affair. As actors and directors, they naturally have a more attuned insight to world events and the needs of normal citizens. So several months ago, according to DiFrensco, they discussed what more they could do to benefit society beyond their already immeasurable contributions as highly compensated entertainers. It was agreed upon that Sanders and Stewart would make the difficult yet imperative decision to have a brief affair, leak evidence to the media, and generate a newsworthy but manageable scandal that would divert America's attention from the approaching end times.

"It was hard for everyone involved, but duty and service always are," DiFrensco added. "And no matter what anyone believes, the real victims here are Rupert and Kris. In fact, Rob told me this morning that once he stops throwing up in disgust at the sight of Kristen, he'll be able to accept just how brave she was."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.