Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Al Qaeda Admits Lack of Innovation in Delta Air Lines Sandwich Plot

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Delta Air Lines announced Sunday that sewing needles had been discovered in turkey sandwiches on four flights. The compromised sandwiches were reported on two planes to Atlanta, one to Seattle and another to Minneapolis. A passenger traveling to Minneapolis was injured after biting into a needle but declined medical attention, a spokesperson for the airlines said. Delta launched a cooperative investigation with local and federal authorities, and took immediate action with its in-flight catering company based in Amsterdam. On Tuesday, FBI representatives said members of a struggling al Qaeda cell in the Netherlands begrudgingly admitted to the plot.

Since the deaths of Osama bin Laden and Abu Yahya al Libi -- al Qaeda's top leaders and strategic masterminds -- the world's most infamous terrorist organization has fought to remain solvent and relevant. And according to one al Qaeda cell manager, speaking on condition of anonymity, it's been a tough slog.

"Since the security at airports has increased, it's become more difficult for us to operate," the source explained. "Suicide bombs are too easily detected now. They strip search children, refuse to allow liquids on flights, inspect shoes and undergarments, you name it. The only things we can sneak onto planes anymore are box cutters, knives, razors, weaponized biological agents and needles."

Because many of the funding sources for the group pulled back in the wake of recent leadership shakedowns, al Qaeda has also found itself in a financially compromised position.

"We can't afford badly needed supplies at this time," the source continued. "But we had to do something. So we gathered up our petty cash and bought as many travel sewing kits as we could afford. We admit, it's a little embarrassing and not our best effort. Death to the infidels!"

While the incident came as a shock to TSA officials and Delta crew alike, passengers on the affected planes said they were more surprised to learn that a U.S. air carrier was still providing meal services.

Flight attendants stopped serving the sandwiches as soon as the needles were found. Passengers were then offered pizza, but most refused amid concerns. TSA agents believe the Delta fliers may have worried about the possibility of the Parmesan cheese containing powdered anthrax. Travelers, however, confessed that the severe intestinal cramping and violent diarrhea that generally accompanies frozen airplane food was less appealing than the risk of ingesting anthrax.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.

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