Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Local Community Plans Only True Independence Day Celebration in U.S., Bans Phrase 'Fourth of July'

"We're not calling it July 4 anymore. England has a fourth day in July too. This day should be ours. Let's take it back!" -- F. Chester Greene

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- F. Chester Greene, area businessman and write-in Republican candidate for the 2012 presidential race, has joined forces with Mayor Manny DiPresso to organize what local officials have deemed the first "truly American commemoration of Independence Day since the signing of the Declaration." During the American Revolution, the Thirteen Colonies threw off the yoke of England after the Second Continental Congress voted to legally secede from Great Britain on July 2, 1776. Two days later, when Congress approved the separation, all upper middle-class, white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant male Americans were finally emancipated from decades of oppression. But since that time, Greene laments, America has lost her way. Sipping afternoon tea in his Bennington Vale office, and looking dapper in Burberry and Ben Sherman, Greene held nothing back in criticizing Americans for embracing old foes and abandoning the principles that helped found the world's greatest nation.

"We've become those pansy abuse victims you read about all the time in the news," Greene quipped. "And not just because we keep letting sodomists marry one another. It's the Stockholm Syndrome: we're still defending and professing unconditional love for the noxious troglodytes who tried to kill us when we ran away from home for a better life. Well, no longer. This isn't Stockholm and this isn't the British Empire. It's the U.S. of A., and it's time we finished what our Founders started."

So on Wednesday, the annual Independence Day ceremonies held at Lake Inverarity will assume a decidedly more regional tone. This isn't the first time Greene has helped orchestrate an historically accurate reboot of holidays that have become, in his words, "unsavory perversions of history through the lens of pandering political correctness and inaccurately diverse celebrations that taint one's palate like a watered down Newcastle."

Greene's Columbus Day festivities, for example, brought focus back to the events that inspired them, on a day most Americans recognize only as a break from school and work in early October.

"Before we introduced the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples ceremony, any high schooler in the county wouldn't have been able to tell you what Columbus Day stood for. Some said the inclusion of Ohio to the Union. Others thought it had something to do with salami and lunch meat," Greene explained.

Since Greene's proposal in the 1970s, San Narciso County has staged an elaborate historical reenactment of Columbus’ critical role in bringing what the Ayn Rand institute called “reason, science, self-reliance, individualism, ambition, and productive achievement” to a people who were based in “primitivism, mysticism, and collectivism.” In the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples ceremony, volunteers dressed as sparsely armed Native Americans fight a horde of armored and heavily weaponed Caucasian soldiers. After about three and a half minutes, Columbus and his armies leave the bloody field to the delight of the crowd, ushering in an era of progress, freedom, and equality for all Americans. The five surviving Indians then serve visitors food and drink.

The new Fourth of July event will be unveiled tomorrow as America's Independence from International Co-dependence Day.

"And we're not calling it July 4 anymore. England has a fourth day in July too. This day should be ours. Let's take it back!" Greene proclaimed to applause from the temps in his office. "Of course, we're still putting on a spectacular show -- with food and drinks and entertainment -- but in the tradition of true Americans, not just 'people who happen to live in the United States.' We have some changes in store for those false patriots."

Rolf Funch, president of RJ Fletcher Communications, the county's only cable provider, has agreed to block BBC America and other networks with foreign biases from the schedule.

"This is a day to remember America's heroes -- the Jack Bennys, not the Benny Hills," Funch said. "'Absolutely Fabulous?' How about 'Absolutely Fascist?' And to all the 13-year-old shut-ins obsessed with a poncy malcontent who travels the universe in a silly phone booth, I say 'Doctor Who Cares?' How about some reruns of 'Bonanza,' 'Hogan's Heroes,' 'McMillan and Wife,' 'Cop Rock,' or 'Manimal?''"

Tennis, golf, and soccer will no longer be played in the park during America's Independence from International Co-dependence Day. Baseball, football, and all manner of land- and water-based vehicle contests will take the spotlight.

Likewise, the musical venue will exclude songs by the Beatles, Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones, Led Zepplin, Radiohead, The Kinks, The Who, Mumford and Sons, Oasis, The Clash, Amy Winehouse, M.I.A, Gorillaz, Fleetwood Mac, Moody Blues, The Specials, Elton John, The Cure, T-Rex, Eric Clapton, Queen, and David Bowie, to name a few. And because most American rock and roll is based on African-inspired blues, the bands invited to perform will instead regale the crowd with rousing sets of military marches.

"I understand the kids today are really into something called 'drum and bass,' but we're going to turn them on to drum and fife," Mayor DiPresso promised.

Fireworks, originated in 10th century China, will also be stricken from the celebrations for obvious reasons. Instead, restored Revolutionary War cannons will fire volleys into a reproduction of Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament. This nighttime portion of the show, which also serves as the grand finale, will conclude with the burning of a 100-foot replica of the Downing Street Memo; the public is invited and encouraged to participate in the destruction of this effigy.

Lake Inverarity will open at 6:00 a.m. for those looking to secure seating. The events begin at 10:00 a.m. with an official commencement address from F. Chester Greene and Mayor DiPresso. More details can be found on the Community Events calendar, including compliance with the county's immigration policy.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.