|Obama victim Ann Harris, AP|
"To call Mitt's run for the White House the race of his life isn't just hyperbole or some quaint expression; Mitt could honestly die trying to save the country from this mysterious evil," one Romney aide told reporters. "Sure, Mitt likes to fire people, but his version of terminating Americans is not life ending. I'm not certain you can say the same about Barack Obama."
Mrs. Romney admitted that Mitt has struggled with his largely misunderstood image throughout his candidacy -- with voters perceiving the former Massachusetts governor as elitist and out of touch with mainstream Americans -- but she staunchly refuted claims that he is stiff and lacking compassion.
"First, Mitt hasn't been stiff in years," Mrs. Romney noted. "That comes with the territory. Nobody who knows Mitt could accuse him of that. Second, he's not the one leveling death threats, making ferocious personal attacks, and actually killing small business owners in America's heartland. President Obama is a monster, and he wants to club my husband and eat his bones."
For many of Obama's socially conservative critics, these revelations come with both a sense of vindication and impending doom.
Carlisle Olden-Whitely -- chairman of San Narciso's Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- said the news, while not surprising, manifested itself sooner than he'd expected.
"I've always known this guy was going to bring America to the brink of destruction, and that his unveiling -- much like the anti-Christ's -- would be forthcoming; but with the murder of that old lady in Ohio, it seems he's either gotten very sloppy or very brazen," Olden-Whitely said. "I fear it will only get worse."
Early Friday morning, President Obama stopped for breakfast at Ann's Place in Akron as part of his two-day bus tour through the battleground states of Ohio and Pennsylvania. Obama spent 20 minutes at the diner, enjoying eggs over easy, bacon, wheat toast, and grits. Josephine "Ann" Harris, 70, owner of the restaurant, was described as "ecstatic" by the presidential visit. The elderly victim's sister called her meeting with Obama a "highlight." But after hugging the president, Harris began complaining of "fatigue and a tingling feeling." Shortly after, she was rushed to the hospital where she died.
"There's a lot we just don't know about this dark man who has the power of the world's largest military at his bidding," Olden-Whitely stated in tones hushed and cautious. "We don't really know what religion he subscribes to, where he was born, or what his motives truly are. The best intelligence we have suggests he was born in Africa, where he probably practiced some sort of tribal voodoo. This is also the same man who killed the economy, killed job creation, killed the institution of marriage, killed the son of a Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden -- a U.S. ally with close ties to the Saudi royal family -- and now he's butchering our elderly. This last point we must not discount. Remember, Barack Obama is the architect of a so-called health plan that masks an atrocious Death Panel system designed to kill America's senior citizens. And now, this sleeping devil has awoken. God help us all."
(c) 2012. See disclaimers.