SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to a new law signed by Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer on April 12, women in the state are now deemed legally pregnant two weeks before conception. HB 2036, which bears the less official but decidedly Orwellian name "Women's Health and Safety Act," states its purpose is to address "a number of key issues that present a clear risk to maternal health and allow for a woman to be coerced into having an abortion." Critics have attacked the bill's language as misleading and unclear: the law never attempts to clarify how women are being coerced into terminating their pregnancies, who precisely is responsible for the coercion, or how it's medically and scientifically possible for impregnation to occur prior to sexual activity. But on Thursday, as if to fan the conservative flames rising from the culmination of the Republican National Convention, state officials announced they would be prosecuting a woman for performing an unlicensed home abortion, citing provisions of the Women's Health and Safety Act.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Rumors of a mystery speaker at the 2012 Republican National Convention sparked curiosity and speculation among attendees after being confirmed by one Romney aide. Tight-lipped members of the Romney camp hope the allure of the secret guest will entice more people to attend the event, which is suffering disappointing turnout figures because of Hurricane Isaac, women voters with self respect and Romney's astounding unlikability factor. When the RNC released the convention schedule Monday, it included the notation "To Be Announced" for a prime-time slot Thursday, which signals the finale of the conference. Russ Schreifer, the aide in charge of convention planning for the Romney campaign, admitted that an unnamed guest would be slated to address the crowd, but he refused to reveal any further details. However, insiders at Hollywood effects house Digital Domain -- the Oscar-winning CGI company responsible for the holographic resurrection of Tupac Shakur at this year's Coachella Music Festival -- leaked details of the big surprise, which they claim has been in the works for several months. "In a nutshell, we're using our technology to bring the Republican Party hero, Ronald Reagan, back from the dead to wow tentative voters," the source divulged.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Authorities in New Orleans escalated emergency procedures Monday as Tropical Storm Isaac barreled toward the Gulf Coast, on track to becoming a full-fledged hurricane. The menacing storm threatens to unleash serious flooding throughout the region on the seventh anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Meteorologists predict Isaac to make landfall on Tuesday or Wednesday. Not only have refineries closed and evacuation preparations begun, the storm has also impacted the Republican National Convention in Florida. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, scheduled to sing the praises of Mitt Romney at the RNC gathering, had to cancel his trip. And just seconds after declaring the festivities under way, GOP chairman Reince Priebus closed the session, which threw conservative Christian Republicans into a state of panic from the resulting crisis of faith. "Our religious leaders, people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh, understood that catastrophes such as this are sent by God to punish sinners," a distraught Paul Ryan said. To appease the vengeful deity, GOP delegates are now contemplating desperate actions.

Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the surface of the moon, has died at the age of 82.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the early 2000s, Walmart executives, shareholders and Wall Street investors have worried about living conditions in third world countries. "Like all large companies that rely on manufacturing and distribution, Walmart has focused heavily on issues of human rights, forced labor and health factors," said Len Waybill, head economist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. "If a developing nation's environment turns inhospitable, the vital supply of child workers dwindles to unsustainable levels. That drives up the cost of goods, and could subsequently destroy Walmart margins and the value of its stock -- an unthinkable, apocalyptic scenario." On Thursday, those fears became a reality after a study conducted by Medicine sans Frontier (MSF) found child mortality rates in South Sudan far surpassing emergency levels for the region.