Benedict Arnolds of Business

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving in the United States is a holiday that requires little explanation. It’s the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling daily grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have...or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the boring feasts and overdressed family gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the dungeon-like confines of grandma’s house. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same sale item. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in accusing those retailers who refused to open today of treason.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Racially charged incidents over the past few years, seemingly on the rise, illustrate clearly that nothing is scarier to Americans than black people shopping, walking, talking or even thinking. The dark aftermaths of events in Ferguson, Mo., and Sanford, Fla., where unarmed teens Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin fell to hails of bullets fired by the fearful, continue to haunt our national conscience. The legal showdown now raging in a San Diego, Calif., court, involving rapper Tiny Doo (Brandon Duncan), marks a new iteration in this ongoing dilemma: how can worried Americans suppress the threat posed by people of color who insist on co-existing with the rest of the population? Although Duncan is not tied to the nine shootings at the heart of the trial, he could face life in prison for lyrics he penned about them. Seizing on this potential legal precedent, Congressional Republicans say they are preparing to launch similar charges against President Barack Obama, another terrifying and influential black man who keeps saying uncomfortable things.

“Voters want a more idyllic world, like the one in the 1950s. And we’re committed to dragging this country back 60 years so they can have it.” ~ F. Chester Greene, San Narciso Tea Party Chairman

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After Tuesday’s electoral sweep, the Republican Party took its place as America’s dominant political faction, controlling both chambers of Congress. The primary challenge confronting conservatives now is how to rectify the issues that led to rampant disillusionment among the nation’s voters. Remember, this is the first time since 2006 that the GOP has taken control of Congress, when they lost their majorities in the House and Senate during midterm elections that were marred by widespread discontentment over the failed policies of the Bush administration. Now, they have recaptured their claim on government through a similar sense of disaffection. Fixing the economy, Republicans believe, will lead to the restoration of the values and prosperity that fueled that nation’s past success. So their first order of business is to revive once thriving industries and they jobs they created, beginning with asbestos, lead and large-scale apparel manufacturing.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday event for children in San Narciso County. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating All Hallow’s Eve, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a no-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which, in light of the Ebola scare, will be considered not only a biohazard but a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you and yours have the best Halloween ever!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a fourth consecutive year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce will host the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opens Friday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. In years past, the event has drawn more police and paramedics than Halloween thrill-seekers. The 2013 Spooktacular was shuttered after three short hours of operation. Problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for last season’s ghastly tour was “Death Panel: American Nightmares,” a politically charged horror show that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president. Undaunted, the Chamber of Commerce will push forward this week with a new attraction that the local Tea Party chapter has deemed the scariest, most prophetic nightmare any conservative who cherishes family values, Jesus, patriotism and legal citizenship status will experience this All Hallow’s Eve.