SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A controversial bill about religious freedom, signed by Indiana Governor Mike Pence, provoked national outcry from civil liberties advocates and drew harsh criticism against the Midwestern state. The law is reminiscent of Arizona’s discriminatory Senate Bill 1062, and also allows business owners with strongly held religious beliefs to refuse service to gays and lesbians. Pence defended his Religious Freedom Restoration Act (SEA 101) as a means to protect the religious freedoms of Christian-based enterprises. As most people know, the wealthy and powerful evangelical Christian community that runs the country has fallen under attack in recent years by a growing number of hysterical socialists who want to curb that community’s right to exercise its practice of bigotry and intolerance -- a fundamental U.S. freedom. But Gov. Pence claims that the law’s detractors have grossly misunderstood its reach. “The bill doesn’t discriminate against gays, that’s a false assessment and a narrow view of its scope; it discriminates against all groups of people that Christians hate,” he snapped during a recent press conference.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County ushered in St. Patrick’s Day 2015 with yet another controversy, prompting Mayor Manny DiPresso to add this holiday to a growing list of celebrations that council members may soon abolish. In 2011, the festivities were overshadowed by an inflammatory speech given by a theology student, in which St. Patrick was accused of being a church assassin sent to destroy the polytheistic culture of Ireland. Tensions further escalated when the Catholic Church attempted to prohibit gays from marching in the parade. At that time, Father Preternature -- who presides over the county’s only Catholic congregation -- defended his decision, saying, “First off, [homosexuals] already have their own parade. Second, St. Patrick’s Day is a religious holiday, not an ideological movement.” Preternature enraged the mayor’s office for implying that gays had infiltrated the community. This Monday, Preternature again found himself cross with the law after parents summoned Child Protective Services to a children’s pageant he produced called “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A larger-than-usual gathering of Catholics celebrating Ash Wednesday yesterday wreaked havoc among the community's predominantly white Evangelical Protestant population. According to Mike Fallopian, Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, the problem began with an incident at the area Whole Foods. "At first I wasn't sure what I was seeing," Fallopian explained. "These three women were standing in line with dirt smeared all over their faces. Normally, when you politely tell a person she has something on her face, she discreetly wipes it away and thanks you. Not so much on Ash Wednesday, it turns out." Managers at Whole Foods also found the observance alien, mistaking the women for unwashed vagrants who had wandered in from Hobo Gardens, the county's segregated transient community. When the women were refused service over hygiene concerns, an altercation erupted that required police intervention.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Did you know that country music star Tim McGraw hates America? Apparently, he does. And it’s no longer a secret he’s stuffed in a closet presumably packed with gay skeletons, burqas and aborted fetuses -- he’s openly admitted it to the dismay of patriotic music lovers. “It’s innate in me to be a blue-dog Democrat. I’m not saying I’m right or wrong, but that’s what I am,” he told entertainment reporters. “My wife and I and our family will do everything we can to support Obama. I like his ideas, I like his energy, and I like the statement he would make for our country to the world.” McGraw also likes to present the image of flag-waving country boy, but that flag no longer flies the glorious colors of the Confederacy. Even worse, this socialist peace-hawk is now considering a career in politics, a move that could pound the final nail into the lid of this nation’s liberty coffin.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If you live in Bennington Vale and fall into that odd one percent of the city's unwed yet heterosexual population, then February 14 can present an understandably bleak outlook. St. Valentine would probably agree. According to legend, Valentine refused to deny Christ at the exhortations of Emperor Claudius in the year 280. For this, he had his head lopped off. But not before he restored hearing and sight to the jailer's daughter. Heck of a guy. Has that "Green Mile" feel to it. It's an inspiring story; deeds most worthy of canonization. But that's not why so many people will be reading "The Bell Jar" by candlelight alone this Saturday evening. Esther Howland is why.