Thursday, June 21, 2012

Al Qaeda Pakistan Sues SEAL Team Six for Hostile Work Environment and Wrongful Termination

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- America used to be known as the international peacekeeper, but now seems to be emerging as the world's most beleaguered Human Resources department -- and nobody deals with HR unless they've got a hatchet to bury. Consider BP's recent filing of a legal motion against the White House to release over 21 emails related to cabinet-level discussions about the federal response to the Deepwater Horizon disaster two years ago. A court ruled against the request on June 11, stating that the government's deliberations did nothing to alter the fact that nearly a dozen people died while tons of oil saturated the Gulf due to BP's carelessness. BP countered that the government may have taken action before the oil spill had reached the legal limits warranting sanctions and regulatory intervention, and before the loss of employee life had crossed OSHA's implicit tolerance threshold for looking the other way. Congressional Republicans admitted that BP reasoned a much stronger case than the White House.

"Countries around the world are reshaping themselves into competing business entities and centers of commerce, not nation states. Geopolitical rules are being replaced with business procedures," said Len Waybill, head economist of the Peter Pinguid Society. This trend became more apparent Thursday when al Qaeda agencies in Pakistan filed a series of lawsuits alleging that U.S. workers, particularly employees of SEAL Team Six, had violated labor codes and created a hostile working environment that led to the wrongful termination of several executives.

Beyond Petroleum, Beyond Prosecution?

The April 20, 2010, explosion of the Deepwater Horizon killed 11 people and triggered hundreds of lawsuits against BP and its drilling partners. BP reached a $7.8 billion settlement in March with over 125,000 individuals and businesses, and a trial has been scheduled for January 14, 2013, to officially ascribe blame. In addition to the $7.8 billion in civil settlements, BP faces penalties of up to $17.6 billion for violations of the Clean Water Act. BP's response was to subpoena the White House for 21 confidential emails and related documentation to aid its defense. The court denied BP access last week, citing the need to protect classified information that, if released, could compromise future government response efforts in times of national crises.

But BP's attorneys argued that these 21 emails, exclusive of the more than 169,000 documents the government had already provided them, were vital to the company's defense. One email in particular, referred to as "Flow Rates," could help in litigation by revealing the government's "presumptive" estimates of how much oil was gushing into the Gulf per second, along with evidence of what BP believes to be "a hasty deliberation process."

"At the time the President and his Secretary of Energy sent out their goon squads to pillory BP in the press and in person, it's possible that we hadn't yet polluted the oceans enough or killed off sufficient volumes of aquatic life to be in violation of the Clean Water Act," BP's head counsel contended before the court. "The White House's decision to intervene, to order the drilling stopped and the wells permanently sealed, was rash. It hurt our profits, and not enough proof was available to justify such actions. And now, more Americans are out of work. If this goes to trial, we plan to counter sue for lost revenues."

The majority of House Republicans expressed support for BP. Texas Rep. Joe Barton famously apologized. Yesterday, Mitt Romney illustrated the oil company's waning share prices as proof that zealous government regulators destroy job creators.

Pakistan Economy Suffers as U.S. Regulators Continue Attack on Region's Biggest Employer

Not only are socialist business regulations crippling the U.S. economy, they're squeezing the life out of enterprises in Pakistan. And as with BP, lawsuits targeting President Obama and his direct reports are forthcoming.

Currently, Pakistan's jobless figures more than double the U.S. unemployment rate. But even al Qaeda, the country's biggest employer, understands that the nature of its business offers little allure to those seeking full time work. Until last year, only members in senior leadership positions managed to thrive. Employee turnover ranged between 90 and 99 percent, according to one al Qaeda cell manager whose own position came to an abrupt end months later when he was dispatched to cover shift shortages in the field.

But everything changed in May 2011. Representatives from al Qaeda told reporters that after U.S. regulators forced them to relocate from Afghanistan to Pakistan -- a move they claimed was rooted in favoritism and nepotism with competing interests -- the upper echelons of the organization were suddenly rocked by punitive actions that led to the ouster of their CEO.

Al Qaeda's second-in-command, Abu Yahya al Libi, did everything he could to prevent the business from imploding.

"We're supposed to be exploding," he told state-run media in Pakistan. "Our business model is predicated on that kind of growth. I know it seems counterintuitive to purposefully operate in a decentralized environment -- splintered, if you will -- but our success depends on it. Considering that, imagine how much more difficult it is for us to recruit candidates. Historically, marketing was our biggest asset. We flooded social and traditional media with viral videos, aggressive recruiting campaigns, and global advertising. Case studies of our work were broadcast by every major news outlet. The key was the charismatic personality of our CEO, Osama bin Laden. Since the American government drove him out and began dictating policy, we can't move forward."

Earlier in the year, Abu Yahya al Libi made a compelling case with which even reluctant U.S. Republicans agreed. He said that unlike American banks and other businesses embroiled in scandal, everything al Qaeda has done has been transparent.

"You American pigs have stolen so much from so many, and your corporations are so crooked, that you had to create laws like Sarbanes-Oxley to enforce visibility," al Libi accused. "We've always been open. We're more ethical than any American financial institution. We practically brag about our goals. And we publish our business plans. Remember the memo you got in the summer of 2001? But our dreams died last May."

At that time, al Libi said, the United States orchestrated a hostile government takeover of this privately held foreign entity.

"They sent in SEAL Team Six, without warning, without due diligence, and without an explanation, to restructure our organization," al Libi continued. "The downsizing that occurred was irreparable."

On June 8, 2012, Abu Yahya al Libi was also terminated by the same U.S. planners.

Now, remaining al Qaeda officials in different countries are filing a class action labor suit against the United States, specifically naming all members of SEAL Team Six.

The suit alleges religious discrimination, wrongful termination, ongoing harassment, and unlawful surveillance, including the infiltration of U.S. moles. One Somali al Qaeda supervisor said American regulators readily admitted that their objective was to shutter the organization.

Republicans, who undertook similar actions against the group with no success between 2000 and 2008, now side with al Qaeda's positions about the dangers of policing free markets.

"The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president," Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told National Journal's Major Garrett in October. "That's my single most important political goal, along with every active Republican in the country. So if Obama is for crushing al Qaeda, we're for saving it."

SEAL Team Six representatives are confident that they'll get the suit thrown out of court.

"Look, al Qaeda's accusations are a prime example of the pot calling the kettle black...and then declaring jihad and putting out a fatwa against the pot," a ranking SEAL commander said on condition of anonymity. "Religious discrimination? That's actually their corporate mission statement. Sexual discrimination against women runs rampant. Next to Chinese factories, they have the highest employee suicide rates in the world. Plus, they're working toward a monopoly. Look at 2001. In one day, they managed to interfere with and severely hinder global financial and aviation markets to the point of total shutdown. But of course, our biggest defense is the discovery of the CEO's inappropriate workplace behavior."

SEAL Team Six has already presented indisputable proof that upon entering al Qaeda headquarters in Pakistan on tips of wrongdoing, they caught CEO Osama bin Laden with a giant box of porn at the office, with co-workers nearby. The presence of pornography in the workplace is one of the most serious labor infractions and warrants immediate termination.

Court dates have not yet been set. More to come as the story develops.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.