Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Bitter, Intoxicated Priest Released from Custody after Attacking Father's Day Celebration

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Father Vantz Lagstrom, a priest from Pennsylvania who was visiting Father Preternature in Bennington Vale last week on a Catholic goodwill mission, was released from police custody Wednesday with no charges filed. The arrest followed Father Lagstrom's drunken disruption of the annual Father's Day Fest last Sunday, held near the Fangoso Lagoons recreational area at Lake Inverarity. Eyewitnesses could not explain what prompted Lagstrom's actions, saying only that they saw him dive into the lake, swim across to the Social Hall, and seize the microphone from Mayor Manny DiPresso during his address. Preternature surmised that Lagstrom may have indulged "too mightily in the blood of the host" and been "grievously distressed" by the strong anti-Catholic sentiments of the county's predominantly Protestant population. Regardless of the impetus, Lagstrom, 54, was undeniably inebriated and overwrought when he put himself in peril by swimming 50 feet across the lake in his heavy frock. "Trying to use a large gold crucifix and oversized bible as makeshift paddles also appeared counterproductive," SNPD spokesperson Ren Williams noted. "That he didn't drown is truly miraculous."

Lagstrom further endangered himself by grabbing a hot microphone from the mayor while dripping wet. After pushing Mayor DiPresso aside, the visiting priest launched into a confusing and bitter rant about specious scandals at Penn State, troubles besetting the clergy, the degradation of family values caused by "The Brady Bunch," the high cost of dry cleaning, the disrespectful and brazen disposition of squirrels, and how homosexuality is the worst possible sin for potentially curbing increases in birth rates. "Can you imagine a world without children everywhere? I sure as heck don't want to," Lagstrom exclaimed to the crowd. But Father's Day itself seemed to be his biggest beef. He called the holiday smug, dismissive, and exclusive.

Before collapsing, Father Lagstrom ended his bizarre speech with: "It's bad enough people don't understand the difference between horseplay in the shower with a trusted mentor and anal rape, but Father's Day? I'm a 'father.' My gracious host, Father Preternature over there, is a 'father.' But there's no special day to commemorate our sacrifices, our contributions and toil. And I know for a fact that we've had more kids than any of you..."

At that point, Lagstrom keeled over and slipped into the shallows near the shore of the Inverarity Social Hall, which sits on a manmade isle in the middle of the lake. Mayor DiPresso pulled Lagstrom to safety until police arrived an hour later in a rented pedal boat. Officers attributed the delay to long lines at the rental hut and the owner's "cash-only" policy, which required them to drive into the city for an ATM.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.