Thursday, June 14, 2012

Britons Shocked and Outraged as Leveson Inquiry Finds No Sexual Relationship Between Rebekah Brooks and David Cameron

LONDON, U.K. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Rebekah Brooks, the former head of Rupert Murdoch's British newspapers, and Prime Minister David Cameron have enjoyed a friendship with each other for years, involving secretive phone calls and even horses, but the full extent of their cozy relationship was revealed Thursday after the disclosure of an embarrassing and professionally incriminating text message at the Leveson Inquiry. The juiciest morsel in the not-at-all-sexually-charged text from Brooks to Cameron read: "I am so rooting for you tomorrow not just as a personal friend but because professionally we're definitely in this together. Speech of your life? Yes he Cam!" The message, originally sent the night before Cameron's speech to the Annual Conference, reinforced the image of a government in bed with a powerful media clique. Prior to that, during the last general election campaign, Cameron and Brooks exchanged up to two text messages a week, with Cameron signing off "LOL" -- meaning "lots of love." Unfortunately, that was it. The court disproved the existence of a dirty, forbidden, fetish-ridden, and shameful sexual affair, which caused chaos throughout the suburbs of London.

To the utter shock and rabid disappointment of lorn Britons desperate for some sizzle, the only things exchanged between Brooks and Cameron were electronic texts, according to the Inquiry. And while the Conservative Party may have bedded Murdoch's media empire with the voracity of a drug-fueled Charlie Sheen freak fest, no tawdry love connection was forged between the feisty redheaded editor and her pulpy, pasty PM.

Addressing what he called the pivotal question of the investigation for most Britons, Lord Justice Leveson explained: "Sadly, we have determined that despite all appearances and indications, Rebekah Brooks and David Cameron were not 'doing it.' Concerning the other aspects of collusion and scandal between Mr. Cameron's administration and Mr. Murdoch's papers, we're still assessing the evidence. We can conclude that, as incredulous as it may seem, no sexual congress between Cameron and Brooks occurred. The proof came in the form of Ms. Brooks inviting Mr. Cameron to a 'country supper,' which is precisely that. If Brooks had instead suggested a 'spit roast,' 'Hertfordshire ham,' 'Cornwall soup,' 'Kidderminster tossed salad' or 'doughty caber jam on dark toast,' we'd have a much randier tale to tell."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.

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