Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Chamber of Commerce Accuses Retailers That Refused to Open Thanksgiving of Treason

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In January, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the nation's foremost conservative business lobby, announced its annual ranking of the worst companies in America -- those organizations that consistently failed to embrace the true spirit of bottom-line capitalism. To make the prestigious list, companies had to demonstrate their failures to seize opportunities for maximizing profit potential by refusing to cut corners, reduce overhead, eliminate employer-sponsored benefits and perks, replace full-time workers with temps or automation, and outsource jobs to foreign nations with cheap labor pools and abysmal records of human rights. This Wednesday, just days after the biggest shopping day of the season, the Chamber upped the ante by accusing several of America's foremost retailers of un-American activities for their refusal to open on the holiday to champion the values of free market enterprise that define the morality and might of the nation.

"These are big name companies with big chips on their shoulders," said Len Waybill, head economist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. "The role of business is to keep growing, to keep making money, by any legal means necessary. Frankly, every company on the list is an embarrassment -- a monument to shame and anti-American values. Worse yet, they denied their employees the opportunity to gain extra money by refusing to force them to work the holiday-- money that could have gone to Christmas shopping. Those stores patriotic enough to operate on Thanksgiving opened after dinner, so their employees had the benefit of traditional celebrations with loved ones followed by a fat double-time check for performing the vital service that defines their lives. It's a real tragedy. I always find it strange that these same businesses end up on Fortune's 'Best Companies to Work For' list."

Traditionally, many stores offer once-a-year deals to shoppers on Black Friday. But in recent years, some companies have pushed their hours into Thanksgiving Day. Major retailers like Walmart, Target, Best Buy, and Kmart plan to open on Thanksgiving Day this year.

"These heroes, lauded and recognized by the Chamber, deserve our praise and respect," Waybill averred. "But commie traitors such as Costco, Home Depot, TJ Max, Marshalls, Ross, Nordstrom, and some hick outfit called Dillard's should be tried for treason."

The stores cited by Waybill refused to open on Thanksgiving, denying employees the right to increase their earnings while robbing consumers of unprecedented annual discounts.

"It's not simply a missed opportunity for all parties involved, it's a crime against the U.S. economy, which is still struggling to recover in the wake of disastrous policies like Obamacare," Waybill added. "It's a crime against humanity. However people give thanks -- feasting, watching sports or celebrating exceptionalism and revisionist history -- we can't truly express gratitude for our prosperity, freedom and well-being without panicked, violent acts of desperate consumerism."

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