Monday, March 24, 2014

Trespasser Caught at Taylor Swift’s Vacation Home, Briefly Dates Singer Before Police Arrive

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A 38-year-old Massachusetts man was summoned before a judge Friday and ordered to stay away from the Rhode Island vacation home of singer Taylor Swift. Police in the area said the suspect ignored several warnings to desist from trespassing on the property. According to reports released by authorities in Westerly, the perpetrator used his truck to block Swift’s driveway on December 9. A neighbor phoned the police to alert them of the intrusion but stated that in the 30 minutes leading up to their arrival, Swift and the man dated briefly. He was escorted off the property immediately following the dissolution of the relationship. He returned December 21 and again dated Swift for about an hour, after which time she ended the affair. The man refused to leave and struggled with police. A Wakefield District Court judge imposed a no contact order and released the man on his own recognizance last week. However, on Monday the suspect filed a suit against Swift alleging unpaid royalties for the two songs she composed as a result of their failed romance.

At the tender age of 24, Swift has sold 26 million albums worldwide, topped charts in multiple countries and has placed seven Grammy Awards on her mantle. But industry insiders admit that all the accomplishments under her belt may not have been possible without the countless men she’s had under her belt.

Swift’s exhaustive list of failed romances and boy-toy flings far surpasses the number of drugs Keith Richards has ingested or injected into his body, or the volume of gays the Westboro Baptist Church believes are roasting in Hell. The rogue’s gallery of Swift’s dismissed suitors, all objects of scorn in her hit singles, includes Joe Jonas, John Mayer, Cory Monteith, Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, Jake Gyllenhall, Connor Kennedy and Harry Styles. She recently denied rumors of being involved with Ed Sheeran -- a move that caused panic with her label, Big Machine.

Nearly the entire body of Swift’s work is the direct result of her botched and bungled attempts at love, explained Tremaine Weldowhether, professor of media studies at San Narciso College.

“If she’s not hopelessly in love and then devastated a couple of weeks later, she’s got nothing to sing about,” Weldowhether said. “There was a recent lull in Swift’s love life that left her unattached and desperate to find a new boy to prey upon. Then came this trespasser. The two inevitable hits she’s penned from her dalliance with the intruder could theoretically tide fans over, and I’m sure her producers breathed a collective sigh of relief. But this lawsuit could complicate matters.”

Representatives from Swift’s label admitted they are worried, fearing delays in production on a forthcoming album.

“To be safe, we’re trying to restart negotiations with ABC, which stalled last March, for Taylor to appear on ‘The Bachelorette’ as the ongoing star over five consecutive seasons,” one representative said,

By agreeing to be the exclusive star of “The Bachelorette,” Swift is virtually assured of falling in and out of love so often throughout the course of a television season that record executives anticipate two new albums per year for the next five years.

2014. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.