Thursday, May 15, 2014
As Numbers of Gay Couples Rise, GOP Task Force Investigates Possible Detonation of Air Force 'Gay Bomb'
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following Tuesday’s decision by U.S. District Judge Candy Dale to overturn Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriages, the number of states legally recognizing the rights of LGBT people to wed jumps to 19, a figure that incorporates the District of Columbia. Conservative members of Congress and their constituents have expressed outrage at the federal government’s nonchalant dismissal of traditional values. They also worry about the rising number of homosexuals cropping up in society. “Why are their numbers growing so rapidly and steadily, where are they coming from and what is responsible for creating them?” asked Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), who likened the gay plague sweeping across America to the Nazi conquest of Europe. Some believe homosexuals are aliens from another galaxy who arrived on Earth during the same cataclysmic event described in the cosmogony of Scientology. But a burgeoning faction of Congressional Republicans now suspect that someone, or something, may have detonated the U.S. Air Force’s infamous “gay bomb” within the last three years.
Social and religious conservatives, many of whom identify as evangelical Christians, have mobilized to protest the extension of equal rights to homosexuals. Public demonstrations have occurred in front of courthouses, county clerks have refused to issue marriage licenses, attendance at Chick-fil-A restaurants in the South has doubled, and Mississippi shopkeepers -- citing the government’s trampling of religious and civil liberties by stanching their right to discriminate -- have proudly posted window stickers warning LGBT customers that service will be denied.
The majority of lawmakers on Capitol Hill also decry the radical rulings of these activist judges. Currently, 43 percent of senators (43 out of 100) and 54 percent of representatives (234 out of 435) oppose gay marriage. Taking Congress as whole, that’s a 52-percent majority.
“It is amazing that in the name of liberality, in the name of being tolerant, this fascist intolerance has arisen,” Gohmert said, clarifying that a legislator’s opposition to gay rights has more to do with protecting the country than discriminating against groups of people -- who possibly hail from other planets or are infected by a virus unleashed from an experimental military weapon.
“We’re merely trying to avoid incurring the Lord’s wrath as a means to prevent natural disasters and terrorism,” he added.
Yet the question for many conservatives remains: where are all the gays coming from and how are they multiplying? Most lawmakers discount the invading space alien theory, but a special task force backed by powerful congressmen such as John Boehner and Eric Cantor has been assembled to investigate the possible activation of the Air Force’s gay bomb, which was uncovered by the Sunshine Project years ago.
In documents leaked from the former Wright Laboratory in Ohio, now the United States Air Force Research Laboratory, scientists promoted the possibility that a strong aphrodisiac, composed of female pheromones and copulins, could be weaponized and dropped among enemy troops to generate “homosexual behavior.”
F. Chester Greene, a former write-in presidential candidate and current consultant for defense contractor Yoyodyne, is heading the project.
“It seems perfectly reasonable to consider the accidental or secretly intentional detonation of the gay bomb as the catalyst to this influx of homosexuals in modern society,” Greene said. “Being gay is an unnatural phenomenon. So a manufactured, unnatural agent like a gay bomb makes sense.”
With Yoyodyne’s access to the deepest levels of defense, Greene’s team will have an unprecedented opportunity to examine the device, which few people have ever seen. Yoyodyne engineers designed special suits to protect Greene and his analysts from the adverse effects of the chemicals.
“The ultimate success of this investigation hinges on keeping an open mind,” Greene said. “All options are on the table. Of course, we’re not ruling out foul play or terrorism, but we’re also being mindful to consider an accidental breach. This device is old. Perhaps the casings eroded, which released the chemicals into the air. It’s even likely that one of the janitors inadvertently triggered the mechanism. These guys are generally immigrants from Mexico and probably can’t read the safety instructions posted around the facility.”
As a precaution, in case Greene’s findings are inconclusive, he implied that records contained in Area 51 could also be reviewed.
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