SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, officials in North Carolina announced the death of Keith Crisco, 71, who was Clay Aiken’s Democratic rival for the state’s congressional primary. Crisco narrowly trailed Aiken, but his death, called a “freak accident” by authorities, brought an end to a hotly contested race. Aiken, of “American Idol” notoriety, is not only politically inexperienced -- this election marks his first bid for public office -- he’s also an openly gay celebrity seeking to represent a district dominated by socially conservative, evangelical Christians, some of whom now suspect foul play in Crisco’s demise. “There’s a lot we don’t know about the gays and their gay powers,” one resident said. “You gotta wonder how a guy trips and kills himself walking through his door. Stuff like that never happened before the gays came.”

Ames Ellerby, a theological sociologist based in Hoke County, supported the concerns of his neighbors. “It’s true, we don’t know much about the Visitors or their mysterious abilities,” he said.

Ellerby refers to members of the LGBT community as the “Visitors,” partly because of their “alien nature and unexplained origins” and because he hopes “they will leave soon, like visitors do.”

“They’re not part of the natural order and nobody knows when they began appearing,” Ellerby explained. “When they first infiltrated society, they seemed to do it real slow. Started in plays and musicals, then probably the pictures. But they were always kept in check. Most of them hid their identities like that alien on ‘My Favorite Martian.’ Then, over the last couple years, they sort of took over. Out in the open and such. Now judges from all corners of the country are giving them these rights. I believe the Visitors have some kind of supernatural mind power that only works when their numbers are big enough. My theory is that they’ve been waiting for reinforcements to arrive from their home planet.”

Although he can only speculate about the specific abilities of the Visitors, Ellerby cites numerous examples of the preternatural gifts they possess.

“First off, they got this power called ‘gaydar,’ which allows them to detect others of their kind without communicating,” he said. “They also have a chameleon-like ability to integrate with normal earthlings and not be detected. Look how long Rock Hudson stayed hidden. Not to mention folks like John Travolta and Tom Cruise, who also belong to a religion that believes space aliens control us. The Visitors are amazingly agile and athletic, they have a rare and ironic influence over women, they can persuade devout Christians and Republican politicians to become gay, and they’ve been responsible for horrific disasters: hurricanes, floods and terrorist attacks. To think that Clay Aiken killed his competition by twitching his nose or blinking his eyes seems perfectly reasonable to me.”

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