Saturday, July 5, 2014

Tea Party Removes Unpatriotic 'Fourth of July' Phrase from Independence Day Celebrations

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- F. Chester Greene, area businessman and new chairman of the county’s Tea Party chapter, has joined forces with Mayor Manny DiPresso to organize what local officials have deemed the one "truly American commemoration of Independence Day since the signing of the Declaration." During the American Revolution, the Thirteen Colonies threw off the yoke of England after the Second Continental Congress voted to legally secede from Great Britain on July 2, 1776. Two days later, when Congress approved the separation, all upper middle-class, white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant male Americans were finally emancipated from decades of oppression. But since that time, Greene laments, America has lost her way. Sipping afternoon tea in his Bennington Vale office, and looking dapper in Burberry and Ben Sherman, Greene held nothing back in criticizing Americans for embracing old foes and abandoning the principles that helped found the world's greatest nation.

"We've become those pansy abuse victims you read about all the time in the news," Greene quipped. "And not just because we keep letting sodomists marry one another. It's the Stockholm Syndrome: we're still defending and professing unconditional love for the noxious troglodytes who tried to kill us when we ran away from home for a better life. Well, no longer. This isn't Stockholm and this isn't the British Empire. It's the U.S. of A., and it's time we finished what our Founders started."

On Friday, the annual Independence Day ceremonies held at Lake Inverarity assumed a decidedly more regional tone. This isn't the first time Greene has helped orchestrate an historically accurate reboot of holidays that have become, in his words, "unsavory perversions of history through the lens of pandering political correctness and inaccurately diverse celebrations that taint one's palate like a watered down Newcastle."

Greene said that the term "Fourth of July" will not longer be used in patriotic Independence Day events.

"England has a fourth day in July too. This day should be ours. Let's take it back!" Greene proclaimed to applause from the temps in his office. "Of course, we're still putting on a spectacular show -- with food and drinks and entertainment -- but in the tradition of true Americans, not just 'people who happen to live in the United States.' We have some changes in store for those false patriots."

Rolf Funch, president of RJ Fletcher Communications, the county's only cable provider, agreed to block BBC America and other networks with foreign biases from the schedule.

"This is a day to remember America's heroes -- the Jack Bennys, not the Benny Hills," Funch said. "'Absolutely Fabulous?' How about 'Absolutely Fascist?' And to all the 13-year-old shut-ins obsessed with a poncy malcontent who travels the universe in a silly phone booth, I say 'Doctor Who Cares?' How about some reruns of 'Bonanza,' 'Hogan's Heroes,' 'McMillan and Wife,' 'Cop Rock,' or 'Manimal?''"

Tennis, golf, and soccer will no longer be played in the park during America's Independence from International Co-dependence Day. Baseball, football, and all manner of land- and water-based vehicle contests will take the spotlight.

Likewise, the musical venue will exclude songs by the Beatles, Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones, Led Zepplin, Radiohead, The Kinks, The Who, Mumford and Sons, Oasis, The Clash, Amy Winehouse, M.I.A, Gorillaz, Fleetwood Mac, Moody Blues, The Specials, Elton John, The Cure, T-Rex, Eric Clapton, Queen, and David Bowie, to name a few. And because most American rock and roll is based on African-inspired blues, the bands invited to perform will instead regale the crowd with rousing sets of military marches.

"I understand the kids today are really into something called 'drum and bass,' but we're going to turn them on to drum and fife," Mayor DiPresso promised.

Fireworks, originated in 10th century China, will also be stricken from the celebrations for obvious reasons. Instead, restored Revolutionary War cannons will fire volleys into a reproduction of Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament. This nighttime portion of the show, which also serves as the grand finale, will conclude with the burning of a 100-foot replica of the Downing Street Memo; the public is invited and encouraged to participate in the destruction of this effigy.

2014. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.

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