Thursday, July 24, 2014

Fresh Milf? Dairy Apologizes for Misleading Typo on New Logos


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Except for the lactose intolerant, gluten-fearing residents of Santa Calcentines, nearly every household in San Narciso County has its dairy products delivered by Delta Ann’s Dairy Air, which retains the 1950s-era charm of old fashioned trucks, glass bottles and pre-dawn door-to-door services. The heritage of the “milkman” is something the dairy honors and proudly promotes. But the public relations team for Delta Ann’s Dairy Air faced an unexpected backlash of community outrage this Thursday for which it has spent more time milking forgiveness than cows. The issue stems from a typographical error that appeared on the logo of 20 trucks in the new fleet and on the company’s website. Got Milf? That’s what thousands of customers were wondering this morning, as a result.

Spokesperson Samantha Risgaard credited the mistake to migrant labor and the nation’s ongoing educational struggles. “I’m not making excuses, but dairy farms are not Wall Street brokerages,” she said.

According to Risgaard, agricultural laborers are predominantly less educated and less skilled than the resources in corporate environments. But they still manage to outperform the county’s indigenous population of teens. By Risgaard’s admission, Delta Ann’s Dairy Air has seen its fill of immigrants. Now, she says, it will need to prepare itself for a bunch of unruly, hormonal, inexperienced and impatient teens.

“Since 2009, we’ve been calling for Congress to address the nation’s immigration and guest-worker laws, but here we are in 2014 without meaningful reform,” Risgaard explained. “Now, the workers who learned English under our programs have been deported back to Riverside County by the DHS. All we have left are the native suburban Caucasians. Given the condition of the state’s school systems and, pardon my assessment, the lazy nature of these kinds of workers, we find ourselves left with a labor force that is virtually illiterate. So this is what happens.”

The unprecedented 44-percent turnover in Delta Ann’s marketing department, caused by deportation issues, has forced the dairy to operate with a skeleton crew of inexperienced, mostly white graduates from local universities and colleges. Risgaard admitted that many of them failed their typing tests and submitted incoherent job applications.

“They were struggling visibly to grasp the complexities of written English,” Risgaard noted. “Despite their uncanny skills at preparing coffee, they were unable to spell one person’s name correctly on the foam cups. I mean, you could see the frustration and confusion in their faces. You’d think they’d never held a pen or read a book before this. But we needed people, and these were the best we could find.”

As a result, the following update appeared on the company’s website late Wednesday evening: “The Milf Man exists and he continues to serve your milf needs! He works through the wee hours of the morning, delivering farm-fresh milf on doorsteps all over town. Then he goes right back to filling Delta Ann’s Dairy Air with the next morning’s load.”

All 20 of the delivery trucks advertised “Fresh Milf!”

Across San Narciso County and the outlying areas serviced by Delta Ann’s, angry teens, middle-aged men and some state legislators woke before dawn and lined the streets of their neighborhoods to await the arrival of the promised milfs. When the delivery trucks distributed only milk, cheese and yogurt, riots ensued.

The entire male populations of San Narciso, Pasadena, Long Beach, Anaheim and Fullerton, Calif., have filed class action suits against the dairy for false advertising. Court dates have yet to be scheduled.

2014. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.
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