SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the Marion Barry of Canadian city governance, rose to the defense of Justin Bieber on Thursday after the host of the Washington D.C.-based radio program "The Sports Junkies" called Bieber "Canada's worst export." Ford added that he has never met Bieber, does not enjoy his style of music and has no deep affinity for the 19-year-old pop star because of their shared national identity. Ford, whose mayoral term has been plagued by drunken stupors and erratic crack-induced antics, said he's desperately been trying to connect with Bieber since authorities discovered drugs at the singer's Calabasas home earlier this month. "I'm not what you would call a 'Belieber,' but if I could visit Justin's place in Los Angeles and hang out for a weekend, I might be persuaded," Ford said.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If the reports are to be "beliebed," over 100,000 people have signed a petition asking the White House to revoke Justin Bieber's visa and have him deported back to Canada. The megalomaniac teen singer has been embroiled in an ongoing series of legal troubles arising from his unrepentant misbehavior. But immigration experts say his removal from the United States on these grounds alone would be unlikely. Obama administration officials, however, admitted that Canada's adamant refusal to allow the extradition of Bieber back to the Great White North could spark an international incident.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Until 10 days ago, most Americans had never heard of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Which seems unusual given his astounding track record of disregarding political correctness in favor of making blunt, often weird statements such as implying bicyclists who are killed on roadways deserve their fates for having the gall to use thoroughfares intended for motor vehicles, or that "Oriental people work like dogs… I'm telling you, the Oriental people, they're slowly taking over." To his credit, Ford didn't go so far as to say "Oriental people" eat dogs. But there's always next week. Now, some media are reporting the existence of a homemade video that captures scenes of Ford enjoying crack cocaine. But instead of calling for his ouster, Ford's constituents seem to be defending him, and his popularity and notoriety have noticeably increased. Scandal, it would seem, is a mystical oven that bakes contradictions into delicious pies of irony . And lesser-known political figures in the United States want a slice.

WASHINGTON, D.C.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Under pressure from the White House, Democrats with the majority vote in the Senate blocked a Republican bid Thursday to expedite approval for the development of the Keystone XL pipeline, which would transport tar sands oil from Canada to refineries along the Texas Gulf Coast. Even with President Obama urging Democrats to lobby against the pipeline, 11 senators sided with Republicans. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) lashed out at the administration, saying: "President Obama's personal pleas to wavering senators may have tipped the balance against this legislation. When it comes to delays over Keystone, anyone looking for a culprit should now look no further than the Oval Office." Democrats countered by pointing out that the pipeline's route has not been established; any impact to the price of gasoline remains conceptual at best. Environmental dangers also run high in the long-haul transport of dirty oil, which requires excessive amounts of energy to extract. But Obama's primary motivation was to uphold his pledge to reduce America's dependence on foreign oil -- a Republican talking point. "Canada is a foreign country. We import more than 25 percent of our oil from these aliens," Obama told reporters, his confusion visible. "I vowed to stop this practice in agreement with the GOP. I don't understand."

CALGARY, Alberta -- In a stunning legal maneuver with sweeping international ramifications, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled Friday that unconscious individuals cannot consent to sex. Therefore, having sex with a person who is not conscious at the time constitutes sexual assault. The ruling further stipulates that partners who black out during sex play -- specifically from erotic asphyxiation, even when mutually agreed upon at the start -- shall not be considered consenting under the law. As a result of setting this new precedent, countries around the world expect the law to make its way onto their own books, with detrimental consequences. In the United States, for example, the law threatens to reverse the GOP’s bill to simplify and correct the definition of rape, proposed by Republican Chris Smith.