SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On weekday afternoons along Man-of-War Boulevard, commuters in the Bennington Vale and Santa Calcetines are treated to a variety of street performances put on by aspiring artists from San Narciso College. But Monday, curiosity and amusement turned to terror as a young mime suffocated to death before a gathering of horrified onlookers who were helpless to extricate him from an invisible box.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Concealed by a canopy of massive eucalyptus trees that line Bennington Vale’s Andover tract is Donkey Dell Park -- a forgettable, squalid, dingy patch of grass that had its sod laid before construction of the first homes began in the late 1960s. While most residents in San Narciso visit the county’s sprawling recreational areas to swim, play tennis, exercise, ride horses or just enjoy a warm day in a beautiful setting, the teens of Bennington Vale seldom stray from Donkeydell Park. Despite its unfortunate name -- the origins of which have remained a source of dispute and mystery for decades -- Donkeydell endures as a nostalgic oasis for neighborhood millennials. The park happens to be the fetid, nasty place where most of them lost their virginity -- and where, according to their parents, they were also conceived. But government officials want to close it down. Local millennials refuse to let that happen without a fight.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County loves a parade. Unfortunately, these affairs often end in panic, arson, animal cruelty, religious offense, accusations of racism and bloodshed. We painfully recall the rash of self-inflicted gunshot wounds and hangings that accompanied the botched Valentine’s Day “Misery Loves Company” event. Then there came the urgent demand to cancel a mime troupe from performing at the 2016 Christmas Parade, given the lawful right of residents to carry weapons in public -- a mandate that arrived tragically late. Of course, few of us will ever forget Mayor Manny DiPresso’s heart-wrenching, Hindenburg-esque speech during the parade’s terrifying conclusion: “My dreams will forever be haunted by the sound of children screaming, dogs heaving and the eerie, guttural retching of the mule before it vomited out one of its internal organs.” It should then come as no surprise that parents summoned police to Friday’s pageant at Our Lady of Perpetual Whapping, called “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For that odd one percent of the Bennington Vale’s unwed yet heterosexual population, Valentine's Day often marks a pensive evening of frozen dinners, cheap wine and a literary journey from “50 Shades” to Sylvia Plath. But don’t blame a dead saint. Esther Howland is your culprit. You see, back in 1847, this woman took what most considered to be another minor day of veneration and began mass producing embossed paper-lace hearts, the kind she’d seen in Europe, using the resources of her father’s book and stationery store in Worcester, Mass. The rest, they say, is history. A troubled, bleak, emotionally turbulent history of crushed spirits to honor a business bonanza that savages the hearts of the lovelorn. Fortunately, we at The Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in the hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Nearly 20,000 people have been evacuated since Sunday, when California’s Oroville Dam reached capacity and threatened catastrophic flooding. The spillway, which acts to prevent overflows by diverting excess water, was reported to be on the cusp of collapse. On February 10, sensing the imminent danger to property and life, Governor Jerry Brown appealed directly to the White House for issuance of a Presidential Major Disaster Declaration. However, the president did not respond for three days. But late Monday evening, Trump finally contacted Brown to say that building a wall to stop the flood of Mexican terrorists is more important than fixing a dam to stop an actual flood in a “terrible, terrible place like California."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump campaigned on many controversial commitments, which he seems intent on fulfilling through a sweeping series of executive orders. During his first week in office, Trump has penned actions to loosen Affordable Care Act provisions, create a Muslim registry, authorize construction of a wall along the Mexico border, declare martial law on Chicago and eliminate “sanctuary cities,” the latter of which elicited a bizarre response from the president: “I’ve seen ‘Logan’s Run’ on TV a million times; I love the idea of Carousel, maybe adding Muslims to the list, but sanctuary is a terrible lie. Why force taxpayers to fund a myth? You know, that D.C. hasn’t crumbled into ruins?” While some orders seem dubious to enforce, Trump’s gutting of environmental protections could come to fruition. Unlike the repeal of Obamacare, the president did offer a replacement -- a “climate-friendly energy plan” that he said would create jobs, restore a dying industry and provide low income families with affordable fuel: clean burning whale oil.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The small Amish enclave in San Narciso’s Kinneret Hills was rattled this Christmas by the discovery of Tourette syndrome in one of its teens, according to reports from the community’s local paper and a physician who resides near “Amish Acres,” as the area is called by neighboring residents. Tourette’s is a congenital neuropsychiatric disorder characterized by physical spasms and peculiar vocal tics, which can include profanity, derogatory remarks and socially unacceptable outbursts. In an interesting corollary, Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga.), Trump’s appointee for the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), said the incident -- and the community’s handling of it -- revealed the fallacy of social medical programs. Price has long sought to dismantle Obamacare and replace Medicare with a voucher system. “The Amish, stunned as they are by the offensive outbursts of a child, are handling the situation as real Americans should,” Price said. “They’re tolerating it, placing the infirm pariah in quarantine and praying for God’s assistance -- not the taxpayers’.”

F. Chester Greene is a prominent local businessman, Republican Party leader, community leader, NRA member and write-in presidential candidate.

EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This past weekend, the impressionable youngsters of Bennington Vale and its surrounding communities, with the exception of North Viaduct, eagerly anticipated the discovery of gifts under Santa’s tree at the annual CHRISTmas Parade -- an event I took great pains in helping to plan, but which an insidious faction of fifth columnists perverted behind the scenes. What our children found instead of goodies were carnage and the cruel remnants of religious intolerance from a liberal insurgency of anti-American Clinton supporters -- most likely from the, let’s say, more diverse North Viaduct area. This “colorful lot” turned joy into disaster as the festivities spiralled into an abyss of injuries and rioting, reminiscent of the German Love Parade stampede in July and the Walmart closure in May for renovations. City officials attributed the problems to the inadequate disposal of medical needles, misprinted signage and the horrifying presence of the “Holiday Man.”