SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This week marks a transformative shift as President Donald Trump prepares the White House for his occupation. It is customary for new residents to redecorate the living quarters and other domestic areas of the property. Some rooms remain off-limits, but the new president may generally change the top two floors of the 132-room estate. As Marie Claire notes, “Usually, the First Lady has taken the lead on redecorating the family living spaces, so if the Trumps follow tradition, Melania’s taste will dictate what the top two floors of the White House look like for the next four years.” Judging by the radical renovations Melania had installed on Friday, the nation has a clear picture of the direction in which Trump plans to lead America.

Trump Meets with Blofeld, Dr. Evil, The Gunslinger and Lex Luthor

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In the first week of October, President-elect Donald Trump met with key members of the National Border Patrol Council to secure the group’s endorsement for his plans to build a wall along the United States-Mexico border. Images from the forum -- featuring white, balding, middle-aged men -- resembled a comic book panel of villainous masterminds plotting the overthrow of the Justice League. But mainstream media once again missed the mark by describing the gathering as “Trump with Four Lex Luthors.” More astute reporters would have noticed one Lex Luthor accompanied by Blofeld, Dr. Evil and The Gunslinger.

News in Photos

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s annual Halloween soiree, despite the hype, turned out to be a “dull and insipid” affair, according to most attendees. Partygoers had expected a lavish seasonal fete, bustling with celebrities adorned in creative and surprising costumes. And although the gathering offered the finest foods and libations, not to mention a garish spectacle of decorations that featured portraits of Trump groping weirdly fetishized jack-o’-lanterns, guests said they felt underwhelmed. As one reporter observed, “We expected a crazy assortment of wild outfits, but it was so dull and unoriginal. Everyone dressed up as ghosts. Yawn, right?”

AMES, Iowa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite the late entrance into the 2012 Republican presidential race by Texas Governor Rick Perry -- a formidable conservative with deft skills on the stump -- Michele Bachmann emerged as the clear front-runner after winning the GOP straw pole in Ames, further fortifying her position as a top tier candidate for the Republican nomination. Bachmann is now widely considered the favorite to win the Iowa caucuses early next year. Despite Perry’s ease with engaging the public, his ability to galvanize Tea Party conservatives and his fundraising prowess, Bachmann demonstrated crowd pleasing skills at the Iowa State Fair that she said Perry and the other GOP contenders completely lacked.

Seventy-five Percent of Nation Mourns Loss of New Deal (1933 - 2011)

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Flags will be flown half staff today at the FDR Monument and Capitol Dome in remembrance of the New Deal, which died on August 2, 2011. With the termination of most government funded programs, memorial services will not be held, although private ceremonies are encouraged. Visit the White House website for a list of major retailers, including Walmart and Big Lots, that are selling specialty “RIP New Deal” items for your parties.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Johnson & Johnson has announced yet another Tylenol recall. The most famous incident occurred in 1982, when the company spent over $100 million removing tampered, cyanide-laced bottles from store shelves. Now, Johnson & Johnson is recalling more than 60,000 bottles of Tylenol Extra Strength Caplets due to a musty, moldy odor. Investigators with the FDA accused J&J of cutting corners by filling bottles with product they deemed "generic to the most absurd extremes."

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Crystal Harris, the 25-year-old bombshell engaged to Hugh Hefner, has called off their engagement, saying, “I have the utmost respect for Hef, but he just couldn’t make it work. Know what I mean?” Harris was vague about the details, but sources close to the couple say Hefner’s little known Captain and Tennille fetish is a major turnoff for Harris.

“It’s just weird seeing [Hef] dressed up as Daryl Dragon,” one friend said. “And the way he sings ‘The Way I Want to Touch You’ and ‘Lonely Night,’ there’s something strange and desperate about it. I don’t think love will keep them together, by itself. Maybe it’s time for Crystal to ‘Shop Around.’”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Newt Gingrich’s embattled campaign for the 2012 Republican nomination imploded Thursday as two dozen top aides resigned en masse, citing “an explosive and unpleasant working environment.” The shakeup threatens to cripple the former House Speaker’s efforts at a comeback. While many have speculated that Gingrich’s campaign officials quit over his lack of direction, organization, leadership or consistent messaging, those departing blamed Gingrich’s toxic and chronic flatulence – and his insistence on playing the “pull my finger” game – as the reason.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.