SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Until this year, high-end sports aficionados and leaders of the links prized the Garia Edition Soleil de Minuit as the most expensive golf cart to grace the greens. At a staggering $52,000, and manufactured in the same factory as Porsche and Aston Martin, the Soleil de Minuit was unsurpassed “in high end specifications, luxurious accessories, performance and therefore, price,” according to journalists at TheRichest. However as 2017 dawned, the so-called Carrera of the Course was dethroned by the Mansonry Prism Golf Cart, co-created by Garia, which sold for $69,000. On Wednesday, the Masonry Prism’s tenure turned out to be short-lived as Guinness named Air Force One the world’s most expensive golf cart.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If there are two qualities about Donald Trump that stand out, they are his penchant for braggadocio and his love of golf. Despite statements to the contrary, Trump frequently assures the American people and his nemeses in the press that he is an intelligent overachiever, with an exemplary academic record and IQ score to back up the claim. However, doubts abound. The universities Trump attended show no honors, meritorious distinctions or noteworthy grades. On Tuesday, a psychologist from San Narciso College emerged to clarify the discrepancy. “I looked at the president’s latest IQ test and discovered that he’s interpreting it the same way he would a golf score -- from an amazing round of golf. I mean, like, record-breaking.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For the second time in the nation’s soccer-obsessed history, Brazil saw its hopes of winning a World Cup on home soil dashed. After waiting 64 years and spending nearly $11 billion to host the tournament, Brazil’s forces proved no match for the powerful German blitz. Before 30 minutes had elapsed, invading German troops had launched five successful offensives against Brazil, eventually trampling the host country by a score of seven to one. Sources reported that some Brazilians managed to escape the occupation in tears around halftime, before the Germans razed the area in what was trumpeted as “the final solution to the FIFA problem.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Donald Sterling saga reached another fascinating milestone on Friday when two neurologists told CNN they had deemed the disgraced 80-year-old Clippers owner mentally incapacitated. The NBA unleashed its harshest punishment against Sterling in April, issuing a lifetime ban and a $2.5 million fine. The decision came in the wake of racist remarks Sterling made to his mistress, which she took public. Sterling is now suing the NBA for $1 billion. Some news agencies reported that the neurologists attributed Sterling’s bigoted comments to his mental impairment, but the doctors confirmed Monday that their assessments were based on Sterling’s squandering of billions for one of the NBA’s worst teams.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- NBA Commissioner Adam Silver unleashed the association’s harshest punishment against Clippers owner Donald Sterling on Tuesday, issuing a lifetime ban and levying a $2.5 million fine, the maximum financial penalty permitted by the league. The decision came in the wake of racist remarks Sterling made to his mixed-race mistress, which she took public. On a recording released by TMZ, a man and woman -- presumably Sterling and his girlfriend V. Stiviano -- fought about Stiviano’s Instagram photos in which she frequently appeared posing with African Americans. Sterling on Wednesday maintained his defense, going so far as to declare himself the Thomas Jefferson of Basketball, but surprisingly admitted that he may unintentionally have been guilty of reverse racism. “If you look at the ethnic composition of the team, which is mostly colored, it’s clear to me now that I unfairly excluded whites from the sport.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, approach, security consultants and State Department officials have warned travelers that these may be the most dangerous games in their lifetimes. House Homeland Security Committee Chairman Michael McCaul (R-Texas) told media that "the security threat to the Olympics, this particular Olympics, is the greatest I've seen." The upcoming events have also been clouded by Russia's renewed stance against homosexuality. Phil Robertson, the outspoken and suddenly political television personality from "Duck Dynasty," also chimed in on the issue, urging Americans on Tuesday to avoid attending the Sochi Olympics in light of the threat. "We all know what's going down in the USSR -- the gay menace will descend on Russia to sabotage what were once goodwill games for straight athletes, all because Russia had the stones to do what America wouldn't -- protect its children from glorifying these perverted, sin-loving heathens," he said.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Racists aren't actually racist, say two prominent racists embroiled in recent controversies over comments they made about people of varying ethnic and racial backgrounds. For the past week, Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito, whose public shaming has made him anything but incognito, has suffered at the epicenter of a scandal that involves allegations of hate speech beyond the already questionable hazing rituals in the world of professional sports. Then Richard Cohen, The Washington Post's reliably gauche and humorless columnist, candidly explored the "conventional" American's vomitous reaction to miscegenation, which endures in this century as a sort of societal emetic.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Two seemingly unrelated stories out of North Korea converged Tuesday to reveal a disturbing link, as former NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman announced another bizarre visit to Kim Jong-un immediately after an English language newspaper in South Korea, citing unnamed sources, broke a jarring story that claimed the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea had ordered his girlfriend executed by firing squad. When asked about the reason for his third trip to Pyongyang, Rodman, whose life is riddled with legal problems from his failed marriages, said he planned to seek Kim's wisdom and advice on resolving complicated matters of the heart.