SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Except for the lactose intolerant, gluten-fearing residents of Santa Calcentines, nearly every household in San Narciso County has its dairy products delivered by Delta Ann’s Dairy Air, which retains the 1950s-era charm of old fashioned trucks, glass bottles and pre-dawn door-to-door services. The heritage of the “milkman” is something the dairy honors and proudly promotes. But the public relations team for Delta Ann’s Dairy Air faced an unexpected backlash of community outrage this Thursday for which it has spent more time milking forgiveness than cows. The issue stems from a typographical error that appeared on the logo of 20 trucks in the new fleet and on the company’s website. Got Milf? That’s what thousands of customers were wondering this morning, as a result.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to newly leaked documents from Edward Snowden, a British intelligence agency collected millions of images from the webcam chats of Yahoo users, with much of the footage containing sexually explicit content. Britain’s Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ) operated the surveillance program, code named Optic Nerve, which targeted users whether they were suspected of illicit activities or not. Just as the NSA’s domestic spying program in the United States demonstrated the astounding potential of a government-run social network -- rivaling any initiatives undertaken by Facebook or Google -- Optic Nerve is showing how public sector adult film productions can provide the highest quality porn, practically for free. The news has investors scrambling to cash in on what analysts are calling the “penultimate realization of gonzo and reality porn.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Porn stars working in Southern California, particularly Los Angeles, will now be legally required to wear condoms during filming. Producers in the multibillion-dollar adult entertainment industry -- maligned but vital contributors to the state's suffering economy -- threatened to pull out early and penetrate markets in other areas if the legislature fails to relax its muscle. Regulators claim the austere move comes amid concerns about enforcing health measures needed to protect performers against HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Los Angeles City Council members, who approved the measure Tuesday after a 9 to 1 vote, said those studio heads throbbing with rage have been operating under the misguided notion that they've been singled out. "The fact is," said one official, "we're enforcing the mandatory condom requirement across numerous industries and professions where sex is involved, not just skin flicks."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Given the current state of the nation’s economic woes and rampant unemployment rates, analysts have given a lot of consideration lately to what’s being called “the rise of the machines.” It’s not a new concept, attempting to automate worker functions to optimize processes. But in an era dominated by outsourcing jobs to foreign markets and finding ways to increase profits by using machines instead of human labor, continued efforts to mechanize the United States have met with renewed criticism. And love them or hate them, even TSA agents are feeling the brunt. A number of airports around the country have rolled out Explosive Trace Portals (ETPs), commonly known as “puffers.” But 2012 GOP presidential candidate F. Chester Greene called the machines pointless. He told reporters that he has a plan in place to put the “human” back in “human resources,” without compromising safety.

Crystal Harris, the 25-year-old bombshell engaged to Hugh Hefner, has called off their engagement, saying, “I have the utmost respect for Hef, but he just couldn’t make it work. Know what I mean?” Harris was vague about the details, but sources close to the couple say Hefner’s little known Captain and Tennille fetish is a major turnoff for Harris.

“It’s just weird seeing [Hef] dressed up as Daryl Dragon,” one friend said. “And the way he sings ‘The Way I Want to Touch You’ and ‘Lonely Night,’ there’s something strange and desperate about it. I don’t think love will keep them together, by itself. Maybe it’s time for Crystal to ‘Shop Around.’”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. -- Representatives from Google condemned Facebook for “invasive product deployment methodologies” and violations of user privacy after yesterday’s story about Facebook’s new feature. Facebook confessed on Monday to activating a service called the Status Personalization and Information Edification System (SPIES), in which roaming human “Updaters” are assigned to users and then follow them throughout the day, monitoring and photographing their goings on. Updaters then automatically reflect each user’s activities by posting onto his or her wall from a universal access portal.

“This is a historic low for Facebook,” a Google spokesperson said on Tuesday. “Not only are these Updaters given unlimited access to users’ data, we suspect that they’re reporting back to Facebook’s advertisers and marketing affiliates. It’s the most odious perversion of the Internet we’ve seen.”

Facebook fired back by blasting Google for its personalized mapping enhancement, currently in the early stages of testing.

Tired of Reboots: Sorkin, Nolan and Fincher Commit to Adult Film, Seeking Original Project

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a bold, unprecedented move by any adult film studio, San Fernando’s Dixin Hohls Productions has announced the development of a new “super porn” feature, written, directed and produced by some of Hollywood’s most sought-after artists. Studio head Manley Caves said, “It’s time. There’s nothing original coming out of Hollywood, and with major studios focused on rebooting every film made before 1990, there’s a lot of talent out there with no real work to do. Well, we’ve solved all that. Porn invented the reboot. Seriously, how many times can you be surprised that a bored soccer mom is going to bang the Peruvian cable guy, or that two hot cheerleaders in a locker room suddenly realize they’re lesbians with a foot fetish? We’re seizing this opportunity to reinvent ourselves as the only studio pioneering something fresh.”

According to Caves, Dixin Hohls has already negotiated contracts with Academy Award winning juggernauts for the upcoming film, tentatively titled “In Flagrante Delicto -- Love’s Blazing Offense.”