SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The dispute between Time Warner Cable and CBS, which led Time Warner to drop the network on August 2 around 5:00 p.m., has now entered its eighth day. The blackout has directly affected subscribers in New York, Los Angeles and Dallas. As of Friday, neither side displayed any signs of progress in negotiations nor made any overtures toward ending the dispute. The acting chairwoman of the Federal Communications Commission told the press that her agency "will continue to urge all parties to stay and resolve in good faith this issue as soon as possible. However, I will affirm to you that I am ready to consider appropriate action if this dispute continues." But leaders at AARP, a non-governmental interest group that advocates for CBS' predominant demographic, say they can't afford to wait for the FCC to act. "Our members simply don't have time to see if the government will step in and end this devastating stalemate," complained Morris Irving Harolds, an AARP representative from California. "Literally, some of these people have only days left to live."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In learning of Mike Wallace’s amazing catch during Sunday’s game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals, which wowed fans across the country, our reporters could describe the spectacle only as a show stopping display of athleticism and surrealism. Halfway through the second quarter, with Pittsburgh repelled to its own five-yard line, Ben Roethlisberger fell back into his own end zone and hurled a deep pass to Wallace on the right sideline. Wallace, the 93-year-old former anchor of CBS staple “60 Minutes,” apparently caught the ball near the 40-yard mark and effortlessly sprinted up the sideline for a touchdown. Wallace ran over 95 yards, and Pittsburgh went on to win 32-20. When members of The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript asked CBS executives for their take on Mike Wallace’s presence in the game, they seemed puzzled and appalled. Sending the geriatric newsman into the game was a decision they chided as a “dangerous stunt.” Wallace’s age, struggles with health and complete inexperience as a professional athlete placed the journalism icon in a perilous position.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Now that wizened “60 Minutes” essayist Andy Rooney has retired, producers of the long-running television news magazine are desperately seeking out a new curmudgeon to fill the vacant slot. Rooney, 92, became one of the most prominent observers of the mundane and pedestrian, as well as an expert purveyor of platitudes. Throughout the course of his career, Rooney made millions of dollars speculating on the origins of naval lint, complaining about the unreliability of shoelace aglets, and wondering where the sun went each night around dusk. Leslie Moonves, president and CEO of CBS Corporation, said that his network pioneered the requirement that every editorial news program on TV have a dedicated curmudgeon to wrap up the show.

“60 Minutes has enjoyed a place in American homes since 1968 when it was created by Don Hewitt,” Moonves remarked. “We championed the idea that hard hitting investigative journalism and revealing interviews should be tempered by the gripes of a whiny old man. We set the precedent. CNN has Jack Cafferty, the Washington Times has Andrew Breitbart, ABC had Paul Harvey, and the Muppets had Statler and Waldorf. We need another Andy Rooney before we get left behind in the dust we first kicked up.”

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Charlie Sheen, star of the confusingly successful “Two and a Half Men” attacked the producers and creators of the show during a radio interview, prompting CBS to cancel filming for the rest of the season. To fans of quality television, news of the show’s suspension came with sighs of relief. However, for regular CBS viewers, the announcement has led to tears, rage, protests, and even intimations of suicide popping up on Twitter and Facebook sites.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Local KCBS reporter Serene Branson sparked a viral Web sensation as a result of lapsing into a 10-second stream of gibberish during her live post-Grammy Award report outside Los Angeles’ Staples Center on Sunday night. Social media sites, blogs, and various press outlets jumped on the apparent gaffe, speculating that Branson had suffered a minor stroke or seizure. Immediately after realizing Branson was struggling, CBS cut the broadcast and paramedics responded, though Branson was not hospitalized.

On Monday, she denied allegations that medical problems or impairing substances were responsible for her on-air out-of-body experience. But while countless theories abound, doctors at San Narciso College’s School of Medicine believe a connection exists between Branson’s aphasia and Caitlin Upton’s similarly bizarre answer to a geography question during the 2007 Miss South Carolina Teen pageant, which generated the same Internet fervor. They cite a rare derivation of petit mal seizure specific to the entertainment industry, known as “Brady Syndrome.”