PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It’s that magical time of year again! And just as our Dear Leader Donald Trump will make America Great Again, your San Narciso County Police Department, in conjunction with San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce, wants to restore the greatness and safety of your post-Obama holiday season. The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 3, 2016. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. Such property includes tables, American flags large enough to drift into the floats, crosses over four feet in height, cross set ablaze (fire officials have canceled this patriotic display due to anticipated wind conditions), unattended children, domestic housekeeping staff, migrant landscapers and the elderly. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The event begins at 6:00 p.m and concludes at 9:00 p.m., with streets reopening 40 minutes later. A complete set of rules follows.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Postal workers at the Anchorage, Alaska, distribution center -- which processes mail to the North Pole -- were inundated Monday by millions of letters from children who received smart phones, tablets, video gaming consoles, laptops and other popular electronic items instead of the two front teeth they requested. "I've been good all year," ten-year-old Barrett Nostrom of Sweden lisped. "Why didn't Santa bring me my teeth? We have no use for this Xbox 360 machine on the farm. I opened it, and there were no Xs inside the box. I tried to use it as a doorstop for the goat pen, but the animals ate it right away. Cheap and worthless thing. But the equally misleading Apple device we got last year, which contained no fruit, did hold out much longer. Mother says it's the smoothest ironing board she's ever used."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just hours before embarking on his annual goodwill mission, Santa Claus admitted Wednesday that for almost two hundred years he's harbored growing doubts about the existence of children. St. Nick opened this morning's global press briefing on a surprisingly somber note, offering reporters a rare glimpse into the philosophical and spiritual conflicts that have troubled his soul since the end of the 1950s, when he first recognized his budding crisis of faith. Kris Kringle said: "I've been reluctant to talk about this, but I feel the time is right. A lot of dubious claims have been made, creating myths that just can't be justified in my mind. I've tried to rationalize them for years, but I can't continue living in a delusion." He then revealed that, among other things, no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the start of the financial crisis in 2008 through the end of last year, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) had closed 465 banks. This year, 2014, regulators shuttered another 232 failed banks. As it now stands, 10 percent of the banking industry controls 92 percent of its total assets. That’s created the impression among many people that massive corporate interests have steamrolled their way to power, crushing the little guys in their wakes. This perception became more poignant Monday, just two days before Christmas Eve, when regulators seized the assets of the famed Bailey Savings and Loan in Bedford Falls. Conservative policymakers have long defended these “heartless financial giants” as the heroes of the tale. And for Bedford Falls, a corporate banker named Potter, whom the town previously considered a ruthless and malevolent cad, has indeed emerged as a savior. The example of George Bailey -- the beloved proprietor of Bailey Savings and Loan -- provides glaring proof of how seemingly kind-hearted and altruistic subprime lenders are destroying their communities while promising them “a wonderful life.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Prince George, England’s 17-month-old heir to the throne, spent his weekend touring Santa’s Magical Journey in Thursford, a quaint parish in the county of Norfolk. The little prince, sources explained, “gazed in awe” at audio-animatronic denizens of an enchanted holiday forest, including reindeer, penguins, polar bears and elves -- all set amid the backdrop of festive lights, ornaments and artificial snowfall. Several guests attending the yuletide experience chuckled when the future king exclaimed that he hadn’t seen so much snow and so many midgets since his uncle Harry’s last birthday party. The attraction’s general manager described George as having “a lovely time,” although she admitted that spectators became increasingly uncomfortable every time George hugged a robotic reindeer and shouted, “I love you, GaGa Camilla!”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) continues to take a lot of heat over the distressing revelations of its brutal “enhanced interrogation” program, which was implemented to extract information from suspected enemy combatants in the wake of the 9/11 terror attacks. But now, the same masterminds who devised the cruel punishments want to make amends. So on Friday, the torture czars behind the CIA initiative put their expertise to positive use by publishing a guide to help parents who are struggling with naughty children -- and just in time for Christmas!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Chances are, if you’ve dined at Piers Addleson’s Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch’s wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Tuesday when rivals at the struggling Hearth Attack bakery discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess, “My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous.”

PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It's that time of year again! The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 6, 2014. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property, which includes unattended children and the elderly, until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The estimated duration of the event is three hours.

Special Safety Procedures for Large, Unarmed Black Teens

As a special reminder, due to the increased sensitivity of race relations and the subsequent pressures placed on police agencies across the nation, we ask that all large, slow-moving, unarmed black teens observe heightened safety protocols. A special area has been roped off near the end of the parade route, close to the security station. To avoid confrontations with frightened police officers, always remain seated, preferably on your hands. Do not make any sudden movements, including waving, whistling, smiling, blinking or applauding parade floats and marching bands. Although we advise that you have absolutely nothing in your possession other than identification papers, make sure to have receipts for all items you choose to bring and that they are clearly displayed on the ground beside said items. Remember, by merely standing up you may present a perceived threat to police officers, even from hundreds of feet away.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to the nation's retailers, frugality seemed to be theme this year among holiday shoppers. Despite offering aggressive discounts to entice consumers, with some sales events beginning on Thanksgiving evening, retailers found little more than coal in their stockings as their dismal year-end financial reports bore out analysts' bleak projections. Merchandisers are now hoping post-Christmas sales will help them salvage something from 2013's disappointing figures. A spokesperson for North Pole Distribution Operations Ltd. (NPDOL) said Santa Claus attributed the lion's share of the problem to a Target security breach that gave hackers access to over 40 million credit and debit cards.

But does Santa believe in you?

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript)-- With just hours remaining until his annual goodwill mission, Santa Claus admitted Tuesday that for almost two hundred years he's harbored growing doubts about the existence of children. St. Nick opened this morning's global press briefing on a surprisingly somber note, offering reporters a rare glimpse into the philosophical and spiritual conflicts that have troubled his soul since the end of the 1950s, when he first recognized his budding crisis of faith. Kris Kringle said: "I've been reluctant to talk about this, but I feel the time is right. A lot of dubious claims have been made, creating myths that just can't be justified in my mind. I've tried to rationalize them for years, but I can't continue living in a delusion." He then revealed that, among other things, no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the start of the financial crisis in 2008, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) has closed 465 banks. Prior to 2008, only 10 banks had failed. Regulators shuttered another 23 failed banks in 2013 alone. On Wednesday, TFC National Bank said it will close 37 branches inside Jewel stores by March, A day later, still plagued by the fallout from the ruptured housing bubble, Bank of America agreed to pay the Securities Exchange Commission (SEC) nearly $132 million in penalties to settle an investigation connected to the sale of two intricately convoluted mortgage securities sold to investors through its Merrill Lynch division. The news has been neither surprising nor welcoming. But the announcement that regulators seized the assets of the famed Bailey Savings and Loan in Bedford Falls -- a privately owned and cherished institution that never received bailouts -- rocked the nation's confidence. This time, however, a corporate banker named Potter, whom the town previously considered a ruthless and malevolent cad, has emerged as a potential savior.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, The Washington Post obtained documents indicating that the National Security Agency (NSA) gathers nearly five billion records each day that track the locations of users around the world, including some Americans. The data was provided by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden. His revelations continue to expose a domestic surveillance operation far more widespread than the public was initially led to believe. But the NSA wants you to know that these data-mining expeditions serve a greater, more benevolent good. So as a special holiday treat, the NSA, free of charge, will send Santa Claus the Christmas lists of every child whose records were intercepted by government systems through an automated process that "promotes immediacy, assured delivery and overcomes challenges with illegible letters, improper postage or incorrect addressing that often occur when silly liberal children are allowed to correspond with the North Pole directly."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Chances are, if you've dined at Piers Addleson's Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch's wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Tuesday when rivals at the struggling Hearth Attack bakery discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess, "My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous."

SAN NARCISO COUNTY PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT -- The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 7, 2013. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property, which includes unattended children and the elderly, until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The estimated duration of the event is three hours. The placement of personal items along the parade route -- including your children, pets or virtually incapacitated senior citizens -- has in the past created pedestrian and motor vehicle traffic issues, in addition to numerous problems for local businesses. In an effort to prevent accidents or injuries, and in accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, personal property or family members serving as human placeholders along the parade route prior to the street closures will be confiscated at the discretion of the San Narciso Police Department and taken to the Heritage Heights Library for pick-up after the event. Please note that all costs incurred from the caring of and cleaning up after your children or elderly will be cited back to you by the City.

The public is also reminded that the law strictly prohibits the following activities on City property, and appropriate action will be taken against anyone in violation. Please observe these rules during the event.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Postal workers at the Anchorage, Alaska, distribution center -- which processes mail to the North Pole -- were inundated Wednesday by millions of letters from children who received video game systems, smart phones, tablets and other popular electronic items instead of the two front teeth they requested. "I've been good all year," ten-year-old Barrett Nostrom of Sweden lisped. "Why didn't Santa bring me my teeth? We have no use for this Xbox 360 machine on the farm. I opened it, and there were no Xs inside the box. I tried to use it as a doorstop for the goat pen, but the animals ate it right away. Cheap and worthless thing. But the equally misleading Apple device we got last year, which contained no fruit, did hold out much longer. Mother says it's the smoothest ironing board she's ever used."

But does Santa believe in you?

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript)-- With just hours remaining until his annual goodwill mission, Santa Claus admitted Monday that for almost two hundred years he's harbored growing doubts about the existence of children. St. Nick opened this morning's global press briefing on a surprisingly somber note, offering reporters a rare glimpse into the philosophical and spiritual conflicts that have troubled his soul since the end of the 1950s, when he first recognized his budding crisis of faith. Kris Kringle said: "I've been reluctant to talk about this, but I feel the time is right. A lot of dubious claims have been made, creating myths that just can't be justified in my mind. I've tried to rationalize them for years, but I can't continue living in a delusion." He then revealed that, among other things, no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) has been tracking St. Nick's seemingly impossible, one-night trek across the globe for over 57 years. The holiday tradition began with a misprint in a Sears advertisement that allowed children to phone Santa Claus. The typo, however, routed the calls to NORAD, which at the time was known as the Continental Air Defense Command. Instead of reaching the North Pole, callers were directed to the agency's chairman, the secretary of defense, and even the president. Colonel Harry Shoup decided to instruct his team to give the excited children details about Santa's trip. Today, families gather around computers, smartphones, and tablets to follow Santa's flight through NORAD's ubiquitous app. But Google, which partnered with NORAD in 2004 to offer geo-location services for Kris Kringle's journey via Google Earth, is now unveiling a competing app built around more accurate route algorithms. On Thursday, Apple surprised the industry when it informed users that the Google and NORAD apps would not be available for download in the iTunes store. Instead, Apple evangelists will be forced to use the dubious and often erroneous Apple Maps feature, which has made many consumers nervous. Google and NORAD worry that the erratic and confusing directions will ruin the holiday fun for millions of kids.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Chances are, if you've dined at Piers Addleson's Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch's wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Tuesday when rivals at the struggling Hearth Attack bakery discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess, "My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Conservative Tea Party lawmakers, attempting a definitive victory in their crusade to stave off the damage from the decades-old War on Christmas, are appealing to federal agencies and embassies abroad to restrict travel visas for pilgrims hoping to visit the resting place of Saint Nicholas. Eager to celebrate the traditional festival of Saint Nicholas Day -- a largely European holiday that falls on December 6 -- groups of Santa Claus enthusiasts regularly travel to the saint's birthplace in Turkey, seeking a deeply personal connection with the holiday. However, workers at the historic preservation site told authorities that several American visitors have collapsed over the last two years and gone into immediate shock at the conclusion of the tour. Doctors claim some pilgrims have remained under medical supervision for post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from journeys dating back to 2009.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Amid the economic showdown between congressional Republicans and the White House, in which President Obama has taken a more hardline stance against negotiating than in times past, most Americans are preparing to tighten their belts should the government fail to prevent a dive off the fiscal cliff. Businesses too are taking precautions. Citigroup, which never fully recovered from the financial crisis, announced Wednesday that it would cut 11,000 jobs -- about four percent of the 262,000 employees in its global workforce. Former CEO Vikram Pandit had hired thousands of workers and invested billions to boost the company's revenues when the economy soured in 2008. New CEO Michael Corbat, who succeeded Pandit after his October 16 ouster, seems to have a much different plan. Corbat expects the deep cuts to save Citigroup $900 million next year, and more in subsequent years. "Because of Pandit's prodigal spending and misguided decision making, Citigroup now faces the prospect of having to withhold over $100 million in executive bonuses," said Len Waybill, head economist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. "In order to keep the company running, it can't afford to lose its leadership. So sacking thousands of low-level peons makes sound business sense. I don't see Corbat having any other choice."