“Blackest Friday, blackest night; no joy shall grace our sight.” -- Sgt. Ren Williams, San Narciso Police, on the Black Friday carnage.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The pacific California hamlet of Bennington Vale was again rocked by multiple deaths and countless injuries during Black Friday sales events. In 2011, five members of a small civil rights group were trampled to death outside the Gottsgeld department store in Santa Calcetines. But this weekend, police reported that store employees, not shoppers, crushed the 43 hapless victims in a frantic attempt to overcome the throng of bargain hunters and clock in for their shifts by 5:00 p.m. Thursday evening.

Benedict Arnolds of Business

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving in the United States is a holiday that requires little explanation. It’s the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling daily grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have...or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the boring feasts and overdressed family gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the dungeon-like confines of grandma’s house. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same sale item. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in accusing those retailers who refused to open today of treason.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to the nation's retailers, frugality seemed to be theme this year among holiday shoppers. Despite offering aggressive discounts to entice consumers, with some sales events beginning on Thanksgiving evening, retailers found little more than coal in their stockings as their dismal year-end financial reports bore out analysts' bleak projections. Merchandisers are now hoping post-Christmas sales will help them salvage something from 2013's disappointing figures. A spokesperson for North Pole Distribution Operations Ltd. (NPDOL) said Santa Claus attributed the lion's share of the problem to a Target security breach that gave hackers access to over 40 million credit and debit cards.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In January, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the nation's foremost conservative business lobby, announced its annual ranking of the worst companies in America -- those organizations that consistently failed to embrace the true spirit of bottom-line capitalism. To make the prestigious list, companies had to demonstrate their failures to seize opportunities for maximizing profit potential by refusing to cut corners, reduce overhead, eliminate employer-sponsored benefits and perks, replace full-time workers with temps or automation, and outsource jobs to foreign nations with cheap labor pools and abysmal records of human rights. This Wednesday, just days after the biggest shopping day of the season, the Chamber upped the ante by accusing several of America's foremost retailers of un-American activities for their refusal to open on the holiday to champion the values of free market enterprise that define the morality and might of the nation.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The peaceful Southern California hamlet of Bennington Vale was again rocked by multiple deaths and countless injuries during Black Friday sales events. Last year, five members of a small and sometimes militant African American rights group in San Narciso County were trampled to death outside the Gottsgeld department store in Santa Calcetines' Buffum Plaza Mall. According to Lionel Tyrone Lincoln Green -- head of San Narciso's Angry Black Revolutionaries Against Caucasian Aristocracy, Despotism and Black Repression Association (ABRA CADABRA) -- Thanksgiving and Black Friday represent some of the worst examples of white oppression and entitlement in America next to the existence of San Narciso County itself. "The slaughter we saw last night in front of Walmart proves it," Green declared. But in a strange twist, police attributed the 23 trampling related deaths that occurred just after 7:00 p.m. Thursday evening to the store employees themselves.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the early 2000s, Walmart executives, shareholders and Wall Street investors have worried about living conditions in third world countries. "Like all large companies that rely on manufacturing and distribution, Walmart has focused heavily on issues of human rights, forced labor and health factors," said Len Waybill, head economist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. "If a developing nation's environment turns inhospitable, the vital supply of child workers dwindles to unsustainable levels. That drives up the cost of goods, and could subsequently destroy Walmart margins and the value of its stock -- an unthinkable, apocalyptic scenario." On Thursday, those fears became a reality after a study conducted by Medicine sans Frontier (MSF) found child mortality rates in South Sudan far surpassing emergency levels for the region.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the Labor Day holiday fast approaching, along with the travel that generally accompanies it, American consumers seem certain to focus on the recent spike in gasoline prices, which had subsided after a national average peak of $3.49 per gallon in April but rose again Monday to $3.72 a gallon. For those living in California -- a state that consistently outpaces the nation in higher gas prices -- the news is worse. Chevron's Richmond refinery fire over a week ago signaled a 40-cent increase at the pumps for the Golden State's motorists. California now averages $4.10 per gallon. Concerns over the economic impact of the climbing rates have prompted President Obama to consider releasing oil reserves from U.S. stockpiles to alleviate the pinch on consumers, particularly important during an election year. However, a new Reuters/Ipsos poll published Tuesday indicates that soaring gas prices ranked last in the top 10 factors likely to influence voters this November.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In April of this year, minimalist furniture pioneer IKEA divulged plans to bring its own television to market, featuring the company's unique, angular, and functional designs. What really makes the unit, called Uppleva, a hallmark IKEA product is that it bridges the divide between digital entertainment and designer furniture. Uppleva is more than a TV -- it's a bundled entertainment center with an integrated Blu-ray DVD player and audio system. With its sleek contours, Uppleva reminds one of an Apple product -- if Steve Jobs had studied at the Bauhaus. The technology itself boasts nothing extraordinary or even competitive, but it does come with nearly 20 pre-installed apps including YouTube, Vimeo, and Dailymotion. But Uppleva has not been engineered for audiophiles and tech geeks -- it's for consumers who want tangible features in an aesthetically pleasing and user-friendly package. Unfortunately, beta testers have criticized the product harshly for being anything but easy to use. In fact, 48 of the 50 subjects who've had the units for several months claim they can't even finish assembling them.

"I should've seen this coming; it's IKEA after all," said Martin Gruntlich, 33, of Germany. "I mean, I never thought I'd have to put the damn TV together -- and with only a horribly drawn manual, a box of stripped and irregularly sized screws, some glue, and that silly hex wrench. I have an electrical engineering degree, and I still can't make heads or tails of this thing!"

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