SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Toyota Motor Corp. revealed on Wednesday that it may take a step back from engineering automobiles to revive the slot car racing craze that swept the 1970s and 1980s, signaling a radical shift in its business model. Toyota has been ordered to pay a landmark $1.2 billion to conclude the Justice Department’s criminal probe into safety issues that began in 2009. Toyota executives expressed disappointment with the ruling, but said they hope to recover some of their losses with the release of a new toy called “Prius Pedal Force Robot Happy Lightning DRIVE!”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the international manhunt for Edward Snowden intensifies, President Obama again tried to defend his war on whistle-blowers and the need for warrantless surveillance programs. Attorney General Holder called such actions "vital to the preservation of national security." The president even rationalized spying on the governments of European allies this Monday as a standard practice in the international intelligence community. But the NSA's data collection and monitoring efforts are neither biased nor prejudiced by religious and ethnic profiling, the president assured; every American is suspect, because any individual could be working with a terrorist cell. As if to illustrate the point Wednesday, the president fretfully admitted being suspicious about his own connections to the leaders of terrorist nations after reviewing transcripts of his private phone calls and emails, which were obtained by the Department of Justice (DOJ) on his orders.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As new details emerge about the Justice Department's unsettling encroachment on the freedom of the press, which involved secret searches of electronic records belonging to Associated Press (A.P.) employees, the more dubious and overblown the government's rationale appears. In fact, The A.P. and the Obama administration had discussed the piece in question prior to its publication, although The A.P. broke the story a day before the White House planned an official announcement. "Any details about potential disasters, terrorism or government operations that make their way to the American people before proper scrutiny and validation are considered potential risks to life and limb," Attorney General Eric Holder said. On Wednesday, after what administration insiders described as an acute panic attack, an increasingly paranoid Holder seized all the records from Wikipedia, Britannica Online, countless personal blogs and three publishing houses that sell the writings of Nostradamus.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attorney General Eric Holder issued a statement today announcing that the Department of Justice will no longer defend the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1996. Because President Obama believes that gays suffer continued discrimination, and because historic laws pertaining to gay rights and the classification of sexual orientation have received only cursory review, they deserve a higher level of protection than currently exists. Holder and Obama, also a lawyer, both believe that the section of DOMA that bars legally married gay couples from federal recognition does not meet this higher level of scrutiny.

The announcement is big news for members of  the GLBT community, who have expressed disappointment with the administration’s lackluster efforts to safeguard and enforce their civil liberties. But conservative sociologists point out that Obama’s decision is a dangerous step toward destroying the human race.