SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Agriculture Secretary Sonny Purdue pushed forward on Monday with aggressive plans to reverse the draconian dietary standards the Obama administration had imposed on school cafeterias as part of its eight-year socialist agenda. The Trump White House campaigned on a platform of restoring free market capitalism, vowing to stave off the creeping threat of communism that caused the country, its economy and its business communities to flounder for nearly a decade-- practically to the point of national insolvency. With many executive orders penned, Trump has fought to alleviate burdensome regulations on industry, such as crippling standards for health, safety, fair compensation and labor protections. In his first official act, Purdue has proposed a “repeal and replace” nutrition program that “accurately reflects the true diets and values of American families, and the businesses they depend on.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For the past seven years, Bailey Kortright, 11, has hosted one of the most popular and longstanding imaginary tea parties in Bennington Vale. Her afternoon teas, in their early days, were open to every interested child in the affluent suburb. But as demand for seatings grew, exceeding the capacity of Bailey’s bedroom and her meager make-believe staff, the events became more exclusive. The waiting period for a coveted invitation now stretches to the start of the 2014-2015 school year. After Wednesday’s news, however, the hopes of many on that list were dashed. Bailey shocked the community this morning when she announced the end of the weekly Kortright Chai Chanoyu. “I am really sad to tell you we’re closing the doors on the tea party forever. And that’s because a bunch of obnoxious food snobs with allergies to everything have made it impossible to stay in business.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Chances are, if you've dined at Piers Addleson's Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch's wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Tuesday when rivals at the struggling Hearth Attack bakery discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess, "My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous."

"Millions will perish if we can't produce enough bacon to mask the disgusting flavor and rubbery texture of the common British diet." -- PM David Cameron

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With a global drought driving up feed costs, U.K. pig farmers are struggling to stave off the sharp decline in sow herds, which is threatening a worldwide pork shortage in the coming year. Insufficient rainfall across the United States and Eastern Europe has led to severely arid conditions with international repercussions. As a result, global food prices are soaring to record levels, forcing farmers to reduce the size of their herds. In Poland, the swine population has already dwindled by 9.6 percent. In Germany, by 1.3 percent. The National Pig Association in Britain called the looming shortage "unavoidable," with the drought continuing to blaze through corn, wheat and soybean crops. And the trend, the association says, is being mirrored across the world. While the news for pork-loving foodies is bleak, to millions of Britons it's dire. "Without bacon, at least two-thirds of England's population will die of starvation within the next three years," a statement from Britain's Department of Health warned.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Delta Air Lines announced Sunday that sewing needles had been discovered in turkey sandwiches on four flights. The compromised sandwiches were reported on two planes to Atlanta, one to Seattle and another to Minneapolis. A passenger traveling to Minneapolis was injured after biting into a needle but declined medical attention, a spokesperson for the airlines said. Delta launched a cooperative investigation with local and federal authorities, and took immediate action with its in-flight catering company based in Amsterdam. On Tuesday, FBI representatives said members of a struggling al Qaeda cell in the Netherlands begrudgingly admitted to the plot.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last week, Congress incurred the ire of food activists, conscientious parents and the USDA by declaring that pizza is still “a vegetable” for the purposes of school nutritional guidelines. With the Super Committee at an unsurprising impasse and the economy continuing to stagnate, finding ways of cutting government spending remains at the top of lawmakers’ lists. During the financial crisis of the 1980s, then President Ronald Reagan tried to reduce school lunch funding by classifying ketchup as one of the required servings of vegetables. It was cheaper than broccoli, peas or greens, and children would eat it willingly. But as the Reagan Era of Reason gave way to the left-leaning lunacy of Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, spending returned to dangerous levels. Critics point to Clinton’s enactment of NAFTA, which allows cheap foreign farms to drive up the price of U.S. agriculture, and Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity movement, which mandates that children eat expensive produce, as the kind of pricey socialism ruining the country.

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Current 2012 GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) apologized Thursday night for a misunderstanding that led the former senator to publicly call for a ban on pawpaw, a mango-like fruit that grows along the banks of the Potomac and across large swaths of Southern, Southeastern and Midwest states. The fruit was popular throughout the 1700s and 1800s, but has only recently been rediscovered and commercialized. And because food scientists have found an abundance of nutrients in the pawpaw and a high antioxidant count, demand for the produce has been high. The fruit, slightly testicular in appearance, is also referred to as a Hoosier banana.

ROCKAWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After receiving complaints about a 29-year-old female Dunkin’ Donuts employee providing “lackluster” sexual services for “outrageous fees” to patrons in the parking lot, New Jersey police launched an investigation into illegal practices. Detectives told reporters that during a stakeout they noticed worker Melissa Redmond getting into the cars of customers and spending up to 15 minutes in their vehicles. “There are several problems here,” investigators said. “Customers are complaining about the quality of the product and the high price, which for only 15 minutes in a cramped back seat seems justified. Also, Dunkin’ Donuts failed to obtain the necessary permits or pay for the additional health inspections required.” As a result, Dunkin’ Donuts has been forced to remove all sexual services from its menus.