SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- An analysis of the devastating March 11 earthquake in Japan, presented by geophysicist Richard Gross of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, has found that the intense temblor accelerated the planet’s rotational velocity, shortening the length of the 24-hour day by 1.8 microseconds. Newly elected Congressional Tea Party Republicans promptly commissioned an independent study to refute JPL’s findings, claiming that only a higher power or historical inaccuracies in gauging the speed of the planet’s revolution -- both feasible explanations -- could account for the discrepancy. However, the results of their analysis, published today, revealed data more perilous than previously believed about the condition of Earth.

The head researcher for the study, entitled Investigating Alleged Planetary Alterations from Massive Tectonic Shifts (IAPAMTS), addressed the House of Representatives today with this message: “Ladies and Gentlemen of Congress, the sky is actually falling.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Austria’s Central Institute for Meteorology and Geodynamics published a report Tuesday calculating that two types of radioactive particles released in the first four days of Japan’s nuclear crisis have reached 20 to 50 percent of the levels emitted from Chernobyl within a 10-day period, adding to the growing concerns over the contamination of milk and vegetables near the Fukushima reactor. These figures contest original estimates from France’s IRSN radiation protection and nuclear safety institute, which put the levels at only 10 percent of those from the Russian disaster. The newly published findings have again created panic among Californians, who fear that dangerous amounts of radiation may already be contaminating the air by coastal cities.

Stanley Kotex, a senior nuclear engineer at San Narciso-based Yoyodyne and former Tea Party candidate for Congress, addressed the City Council for a second time to downplay these concerns -- and tout the increased exposure as a potential cure for cancer.

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Supplemental insurance giant Aflac has been meeting with several Hollywood agents to seek out a new actor to replace comedian Gilbert Gottfried as the voice of the Aflac duck. Gottfried provided the shrill, irascible, and unpleasant personality of the mascot for over 11 years. He was fired from his duties after making a series of jokes about the earthquake in Japan. About 75 percent of Aflac’s revenue comes from Japan, where the insurer’s ads feature an actor with a less abrasive voice.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Gregory Jaczko, the top nuclear regulator for the United States, gave a dire assessment of the burgeoning crisis at Japan’s nuclear reactors yesterday, saying that lethal radiation from exposed spent fuel rods could force emergency workers to abandon their efforts to prevent meltdowns of damaged reactor cores at the Fukushima Daiichi plant. Several members of the Nuclear Regulator Commission (NRC) and the Union of Concerned Scientists have begun issuing tentative warnings to states off the western coast that dangerous levels of radiation could make their way to the nation’s shores if the situation worsens. The exigency has fueled outrage from environmental groups about the perils of continuing the Obama administration’s pledge to build new reactors on U.S. soil. GOP and Tea Party politicians, however, scoffed at the “hyperbolic” nature of the concerns, and cited nuclear fuel as one of the cleanest and most efficient energy sources available, next to whaling.