SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Researchers from San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD) offered new information about the economic necessity of high school proms in a report published Wednesday. Despite the tight spending restrictions many families have imposed on themselves, the money shelled out on proms continued to increase over the last three years. This year, however, data from a Visa survey indicated that families may be reining in their prom budgets. “Although sometimes discounted as nostalgic displays of bygone pageantry -- criticized for being outdated or, even worse, deemed exclusionary to those not in the upper middle classes -- proms experienced a surge in harsh economic conditions that saw consumer spending drop in nearly every other sector,” said Janus Heuchler, PISRAD director and head of the project.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- New York based psychologist Gordon Gallup has posited an unconventional theory that the morning sickness suffered by pregnant women may be abated by continual exposure to the father's semen. Despite criticism from the medical establishment, Gallup -- long recognized for making headlines by touting the healing properties of sperm -- and his supporters remain undeterred. On Friday, Dr. Alvin Eugene Humphreys, a follower of Gallup's work, emerged in the media to take up his mentor's mantel and bring it to the next level by claiming that practicing prolonged and routine oral sex may cure women of countless ailments, from the common cold to cancer.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Over the past few weeks, Catholic bishops have sparred with President Obama over the contentious issue of birth control, which they see as an issue of religious freedom. Mandating that faith-based organizations fund contraception, they claim, stifles those freedoms. Even though President Obama caved to pressure and exonerated religious employers such as hospital and universities, the Conference of Catholic Bishops continued to protest that the exemption didn't go far enough in protecting religious rights. "We've got to procreate as the Lord demanded," said Bishop Dick Reamer of the San Narciso County diocese. "We need to raise our numbers. At this point, it's a matter of competition. We've got the crazies jumping on board with Fred Phelps, the End Timers still clinging to hopes of Harold Camping, celebrities running with Scientology and Kabbalah, and like a gazillion Muslims to contend with. We need babies. Catholic babies." The anti-birth control stance within the church has become so critical that a priest was ex-communicated in January for counseling a family on the rhythm method. "It's still birth control," Reamer added. Amazingly, however, hardliners in the Catholic Church did a rare about-face Wednesday, with the Vatican issuing a papal decree striking down all previous condemnations against contraceptive devices and practices.