SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Representatives for country music sensation Taylor Swift announced details of a partnership between their client and the producers of ABC's "The Bachelorette" this Wednesday. According to entertainment industry insiders, the young star signed a contract with ABC to be the sole, ongoing bachelorette in the network's eponymous reality show. Nearly the entire body of Swift's work is the direct result of her botched and bungled attempts at love, explained Tremaine Weldowhether, professor of media studies at San Narciso College. Now that she's unattached again, and having difficulty finding a new boy to prey upon, Swift's managers are worried she won't have access to enough material for composing new songs. By agreeing to be the exclusive star of "The Bachelorette," Swift is virtually assured of falling in and out of love so often throughout the course of a television season that record executives anticipate two new albums per year for the next five years.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Alone on Valentine's Day and not sure what to do? If you live in Bennington Vale, and you fall into that odd one percent of the city's unwed yet heterosexual residents, then February 14 can present an understandably bleak outlook. Fortunately, we at The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in that hole where your heart should have been. It's better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

Dining and Drinking
Piers Addleson's Pea House is offering an off-menu special for single men. In order to get the multi-course meal, for the astoundingly low price of seven dollars, simply approach the hostess and say, "I'm so lonely, I could die."

Photo courtesy of Reuters

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, 85, prepares to face an uncertain future of bachelorhood after being dumped at the altar by 25-year-old fiancee Crystal Harris last weekend. Although Harris claimed that she called off the engagement over “jitters” about living as a virtual sex prisoner behind the walls of a cloistered mansion -- in regimented servitude as part of a highly competitive harem -- friends say Harris had misgivings about Hefner’s alleged obsession with Daryl Dragon of the super-duo Captain and Tennille.

“This was going to be my wedding day, but life is full of surprises. After all is said & done, staying single is probably for the best,” Hefner posted on Twitter. He did not include a photo of his underpants.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Alone on Valentine’s Day and not sure what to do? If you live in Bennington Vale and you fall into that odd one percent of the city’s unwed yet heterosexual residents, then February 14 can present an understandably bleak outlook. Fortunately, we at The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in that hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.