SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just months after a heated rivalry that ended in flared tempers and insults, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) made a stunning about-face Friday and endorsed Donald Trump’s presidential campaign -- even though he adamantly refused to during the Republican National Convention. Trump famously denigrated Heidi Cruz, the senator’s wife, and implied that Cruz’s father participated with Lee Harvey Oswald in the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Ironically, representatives for Cruz said those are precisely the reasons for the recent support. “Let’s face it, Senator Cruz understands what a terrible, awful monster he is,” a spokesperson confessed. “Yes, Mr. Trump insulted his wife and called his dad a murderer. But Ted Cruz respects Trump’s radical honesty. And that's what we need in the White House.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker withdrew from the 2016 Republican presidential race Monday citing a serious conflict interest. “Today I believe that I am being called to lead by helping to clear the field in this race,” Walker said, announcing that he would be suspending his vapid campaign indefinitely. Chief among the polarizing governor’s concerns was learning that he would be expected to uphold many of the institutions and issues he’s spent his entire political career attempting to destroy.

Officer Eric Casebolt bravely subdues unarmed, 100-lb black teen without shooting her to death.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A birthday pool party in the affluent Craig Ranch community of McKinney, Texas, erupted in chaos and violence early Friday evening amid accusations of police racism and brutality. The excessive actions of Corporal Eric Casebolt -- which included a lot of profanity, a James T. Kirk-inspired combat roll, tackling scantily clad girls in bikinis who were armed with only towels, and drawing his sidearm on bystanders attempting to peacefully diffuse the aggression -- renewed public outcry about the extreme use of force by police. But Republican lawmakers in the South see the situation differently. According to them, the fact that no unarmed black teens were actually blown to pieces by cops demonstrates “tremendous restraint and progress in the evolution of our peacekeeping policies.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) relentlessly nattered his way into the history books in 2013 after a 21-hour talkathon that has been labeled a “fauxibuster” because it did not serve to stop a vote over the Affordable Care Act, as a filibuster is intended to do. Inconsequential as his rant may have seemed, the Tea Party darling managed to portray himself as a conservative folk hero for the far-right fringes of the Republican faction. Then, this month, he did something even more bizarre: he enrolled in Obamacare. The newly announced White House contender explained his decision as a sacrifice to illustrate the dangers of socialized medicine to the American people, even though it involves putting his own family at risk. As conservative political experts understand, providing a nation’s people with affordable and universal health coverage inevitably leads to the extermination of millions within an arbitrarily chosen ethnic or religious group. But Cruz wants his constituents to know that he is not all talk. He opposes government handouts. So on Tuesday, he boldly renounced all of the Hitler-esque, taxpayer funded benefits he receives as a member of the U.S. Congress.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Did you know that country music star Tim McGraw hates America? Apparently, he does. And it’s no longer a secret he’s stuffed in a closet presumably packed with gay skeletons, burqas and aborted fetuses -- he’s openly admitted it to the dismay of patriotic music lovers. “It’s innate in me to be a blue-dog Democrat. I’m not saying I’m right or wrong, but that’s what I am,” he told entertainment reporters. “My wife and I and our family will do everything we can to support Obama. I like his ideas, I like his energy, and I like the statement he would make for our country to the world.” McGraw also likes to present the image of flag-waving country boy, but that flag no longer flies the glorious colors of the Confederacy. Even worse, this socialist peace-hawk is now considering a career in politics, a move that could pound the final nail into the lid of this nation’s liberty coffin.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Technology today has transcended the need to calculate complicated formulas or automate tedious manual processes, it’s become inextricably integrated into our lifestyles. Smartphones, tablets and laptops have transformed the way we see and interact with our world. But even these much beloved advances can’t escape the law of unintended consequences. In Nicholas Carr’s Pulitzer-nominated 2011 book “The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing To Our Brains,” neuroscientist Michael Merzenich warned that technology, like any major pharmaceutical, comes with its share of adverse side-effects. He cited a slew of potentially harmful byproducts that included disrupted sleep cycles, weakened memory, poor retention and recall, chronic forgetfulness, and diminished comprehension. But a new Republican-funded study discounts these “dubious and uninformed observations.” While still concluding that today’s technology is dangerous and perhaps deadly, GOP scientists praised Merzenich’s so-called threats as “real societal benefits to the Party.” The problem, they believe, is much more insidious: “The real peril is, in fact, uncensored access to vast amounts of information and facts, which are killing the economy and thwarting governmental efforts to keep people on the right path.” The other culprits? Wikis, e-cigarettes, Internet porn and digital books.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since North Korea’s alleged hacking of Sony Pictures, a belligerent response to the film studio’s lowbrow comedy about two TV interviewers who gain access to the rogue nation and are subsequently tasked by the CIA to kill its dictator, the DPRK has reclaimed its place in headline news. But not necessarily for what many might think. Rather than discussing the ever-erratic antics of Pyongyang’s minuscule but tyrannical autocrat, Americans are buzzing about a new fad in weight loss based on the North Korean diet of tree bark and dirt, which is sure to help millions keep their resolutions to shed unwanted pounds in 2015.

Benedict Arnolds of Business

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving in the United States is a holiday that requires little explanation. It’s the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling daily grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have...or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the boring feasts and overdressed family gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the dungeon-like confines of grandma’s house. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same sale item. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in accusing those retailers who refused to open today of treason.”