SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Several Alaska Airlines travelers were shocked to open their meal trays and find copies of Psalm 9:2 staring back at them. Even as a private sector company, the air carrier accepts millions of dollars in tax payer money each year. Critics claim that passengers outside Judeo-Christian faiths may find the lack of separation of church and business offensive. However, representatives from the airline say the company has offered various biblical snippets on its flights for about 30 years. Summer Wren, a senior public relations officer for Alaska Air, explained: “An overwhelming majority of our customers have indicated they appreciate the gesture, and those who don’t are not forced to read it. Besides, most people in this country are Jewish or Christian. People of other faiths probably don’t speak English anyway, or are Muslim terrorists, in which case their reaction to seeing the psalms makes profiling just a whole lot easier.”

Wren elaborated that the fleet’s religious pamphlets now serve a mission critical business purpose, and should be taken seriously.

LONDON, U.K. -- Julian Assange, the elusive and enigmatic figure behind WikiLeaks, has once again gone into hiding from the Swedish authorities who are pursing him for alleged sex crimes. Assange’s attorney Bjorn Hurtig said his client had removed himself from public gatherings over fears of being killed by U.S. forces.

“There were a lot of threatening statements made by politicians in the U.S., particularly Sarah Palin. You should keep in mind that during this period I’ve known Julian, he has actually received death threats in the media...that he should be given the death sentence,” Hurtig said via an interpreter in court on Tuesday. “Mrs. Palin hunts wild dogs from aircraft. What’s to say she won’t fly over to Europe and attack my client? As a consequence of this, Julian was duly worried.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- TNT has released an apology for Tracy Morgan’s reference to Sarah Palin as a sex object on last night’s “Inside the NBA” pregame show. During the live broadcast, Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley asked Morgan to settle a bet: Tina Fey or Sarah Palin? They were clearly not asking which woman was smarter or the better flautist. Morgan responded, in the manner popularized by the character he portrays on “30 Rock” and in his stage comedy, “Yo, let me tell you something about Sarah Palin. She’s good masturbation material.”

Media outlets across the country have chastised Morgan for poor judgment and crass comments. The insinuation is that some form of slander occurred, but did it? According to Regis Ketamine, leading sociologist at San Narciso College, the burden of proof rests on Sarah Palin to establish that she is somehow not masturbation material.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Since learning of Phil Harris’ death last year, sociologists from San Narciso College have been working feverishly to complete a lengthy report on life -- and more importantly, death -- in the 49th state. Today, they published their preliminary findings.

Regis Ketamine, who spearheads the project, said, “It may seem hasty, since we’re still finalizing the document, but our studies consistently point to a single truth: all U.S. citizens need to stay the hell away from Alaska. It’s full of monsters.”

WASILIA, Alaska -- Sarah Palin, who had been noticeably silent since the Tucson shootings, published an impassioned denunciation of her detractors Wednesday. In the video, which went viral within hours of its release, Sarah Palin accused pundits and journalists of impetuously blaming divisive political rhetoric for dissension and violence in America. More interestingly, she invoked an arcane expression known as “blood libel,” a false accusation insinuating that Jews murder Christian children and use their blood in religious rituals, such as baking matzos for passover. That claim was circulated for centuries to incite anti-Semitism, justify violence against Jews, and to distract early Christians from asking too many questions about Communion.