EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Christopher Hitchens, a British born journalist and intellectual atheist, died Thursday of complications with esophageal cancer. He was 62. Of Hitchens, Vanity Fair wrote that he was an "incomparable critic, masterful rhetorician, fiery wit, and fearless bon vivant." Not only was Hitchens a passionate and acerbic journalist, he was a true war correspondent, often visiting the world's most dangerous places and not merely writing about them from the serenity of his office. He wasn't always accurate, he wasn't always agreeable, but his literary gifts and dedication to pointing out what he considered to be the truth were immeasurably important. Journalism for Hitchens wasn't a disguised marketing vehicle for corporations with deep ties to politics; he maintained the core values one often attributes to the art. Along the way, he carved out a reputation for barbed repartee, scathing critiques of public figures, and a fierce mind for reason.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Local business owner Adam Truman was admitted to San Narciso Regional Medical Center’s ICU Wednesday night with multiple broken bones and severe trauma. Truman, owner of Black Talon Engineering, recently made headlines with his introduction of the LapetOS, an embedded operating system that uses artificial intelligence to significantly improve the endurance of batteries in both consumer and industrial applications. Witnesses testified that Truman was attacked outside a political campaign mixer.

Seventy-five Percent of Nation Mourns Loss of New Deal (1933 - 2011)

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Flags will be flown half staff today at the FDR Monument and Capitol Dome in remembrance of the New Deal, which died on August 2, 2011. With the termination of most government funded programs, memorial services will not be held, although private ceremonies are encouraged. Visit the White House website for a list of major retailers, including Walmart and Big Lots, that are selling specialty “RIP New Deal” items for your parties.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Despite the ongoing efforts of educators to create national standards, the San Narciso County school board, following in the footsteps of Texas, has seceded from the debate by proposing sweeping changes to its social studies curriculum. The amendments would highlight the underrated achievements of conservatives, emphasize the role of Christianity in American history and include Republican political philosophies in textbooks.

The board is expected to take a preliminary vote this week on a cornucopia of changes proposed by the seven conservative board members. The group is spearheaded by Commissioner Marissa Olden-Whitely, who made headlines last week after dispatching armed goons to settle a minor Department of Education issue in the county. A final vote is expected in July.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- San Narciso County remains locked in a political and economic struggle to restore a sense of normality in the aftermath of Harold Camping’s failed Rapture prediction. County officials told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript that they are still unable to assess the full extent of the damage, marauding, and what is now being called the “Maxwell Street Massacre Redux.” Unfortunately, their efforts have been stalled by a new scandal stemming from accusations of senior abuse, involving three officers with the San Narciso Police Department (SNPD).

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Ten years ago, nobody in San Narciso would have given Hart Garrity a second thought. He relocated to the North Viaduct area of the county from Venice Beach in the mid-1980s to make a new start. Garrity admits that in his wilder days, he was a hard-drinking, chain-smoking, coke-snorting, motorcycle-riding, heavily tattooed rebel whose arrest record contained more information about his life than his resume. But today, much to his chagrin, Garrity has become a local folk hero for the counter-culture youth of Bennington Vale. And he wants it to stop.

“I came here to be left alone,” Garrity said, “not for a bunch of spoiled yuppies to idolize me or make fun of me -- I can’t tell which it is, but I’m getting goddamn sick and tired of being called a ‘hipster douche bag’ every time I leave the house.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Last week, a four-year-old boy named Colton Burpo made national headlines when his father, Todd Burpo, appeared live on TODAY to describe his son’s extraordinary account of meeting Jesus and John the Baptist in Heaven after a near-death experience in 2003, caused by a ruptured appendix. Colton’s story, which frames Todd Burpo’s best-selling book “Heaven Is for Real,” has reached 1.5 million readers since its release in November. The intricate details and straightforward delivery of Colton’s narrative have convinced over a million people that the Christian version of a perfect afterlife truly exists. But a local girl in San Narciso County, who also experienced a supernatural near-death event prior to being revived by paramedics, recounted a much different tale of Heaven. The provocative details in the girl’s story have forced a wave of righteous outrage throughout countless Christian groups in the community.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attorney General Eric Holder issued a statement today announcing that the Department of Justice will no longer defend the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1996. Because President Obama believes that gays suffer continued discrimination, and because historic laws pertaining to gay rights and the classification of sexual orientation have received only cursory review, they deserve a higher level of protection than currently exists. Holder and Obama, also a lawyer, both believe that the section of DOMA that bars legally married gay couples from federal recognition does not meet this higher level of scrutiny.

The announcement is big news for members of  the GLBT community, who have expressed disappointment with the administration’s lackluster efforts to safeguard and enforce their civil liberties. But conservative sociologists point out that Obama’s decision is a dangerous step toward destroying the human race.