SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Postal workers at the Anchorage, Alaska, distribution center -- which processes mail to the North Pole -- were inundated Wednesday by millions of letters from children who received video game systems, smart phones, tablets and other popular electronic items instead of the two front teeth they requested. "I've been good all year," ten-year-old Barrett Nostrom of Sweden lisped. "Why didn't Santa bring me my teeth? We have no use for this Xbox 360 machine on the farm. I opened it, and there were no Xs inside the box. I tried to use it as a doorstop for the goat pen, but the animals ate it right away. Cheap and worthless thing. But the equally misleading Apple device we got last year, which contained no fruit, did hold out much longer. Mother says it's the smoothest ironing board she's ever used."

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Postal workers at the North Pole were inundated today by millions of letters from children who received video game systems, smart phones, tablets and other "in-demand" items instead of the two front teeth they requested. "I've been good all year," ten-year-old Barrett Nostrom of Sweden lisped, "why didn't Santa bring me my teeth? We have no use for this Xbox 360 machine on the farm. I opened it, and there were no Xs inside the box. I tried to use it as a doorstop for the goat pen, but the animals ate it right away. Cheap and worthless thing. But the equally misleading Apple device we got last year, which contained no fruit, did hold out much longer. Mother says it's the smoothest ironing board she's ever used."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a surprise announcement Monday, three of the founding members of the original Monkees -- Davey Jones, Micky Dolenz and Peter Tork -- told the press that they will start a 10-gig reunion tour around the United Kingdom beginning in Liverpool, May 12. The fourth member, Michael Nesmith, will not be participating in the tour. Nesmith, heir to the Liquid Paper fortune, is rumored to have chronic sinus problems from years of inhaling the correctional fluid. Sources claim that he remains unable to stand, sing or focus on his surroundings for a prolonged period of time.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- According to news from insiders at WikiLeaks, officials within the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) are planning to pressure congressional senators and federal courts to enact a ban on the wildly popular video game Angry Birds. In the game, developed by Finland-based Rovio Mobile, players commandeer a slingshot to launch birds at green pigs ensconced within various structures, with the intent of destroying all the swine on the screen. DHS officials, however, say the game is not as innocuous as it may seem. In fact, the game fosters terrorism.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- Postal workers at the North Pole were inundated today by millions of letters from children who received video game systems instead of the two front teeth they requested.

"I've been good all year," nine-year-old Barry Nostrom lisped, "why didn't Santa bring me my teeth?"

"What am I supposed to do with this thing?" a disgusted Maggie Rose sniped upon opening a new Wii system with a full Rock Band kit. "I can't chew my food. My friends make fun of me. And I get these stupid games?"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Thousands of angry fans flooded the phone lines and email servers of MTV/Electronic Arts and its retailers with complaints over today’s release of the eagerly anticipated “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” game. The issue stems from a perceived design flaw in the drum kit.

“It’s been chaos in our Customer Service lines,” said Zeke Gersch, a Walmart manager in Bennington Vale. “We expected a lot of orders with Christmas coming up, but not this. All the games are screwed up. There’s only one drum stick in the box. Even worse, the drum kit itself has all these extra foot pedals that no one knows how to use. I can’t for the life of me figure out what the game-making people was thinking.”