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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Reporting live on Twitter from the sports bar at Piers Addleson’s Pea House, Bennington Vale Evening Transcript staffers spent Wednesday evening covering the Reagan Library Republican Presidential Debate. Highlights, revelations and surprises from the event follow. Special thanks to Piers and Astrid Addleson for reserving space in the bar at the last minute for our reporters, who were aggressively denied press passes to the venue.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jeff Gordon won his third season victory today at Atlanta Motor Speedway, the 85th of his career, but NASCAR fans throughout San Narciso County missed out on the celebrations. “I’m outraged,” snarled Irv Spurlott, a stock car enthusiast from Bennington Vale. “We got cheated, and I demand an explanation. If my wife hadn’t flipped over to the news, which was showing Gordon holding his trophy, I never would’ve known what was happening.”

Spurlott’s frustration was echoed by all NASCAR devotees in the county. George Newman, general manager of local cable provider RJ Fletcher Communications, issued a formal apology Tuesday evening for airing footage from freeway traffic cameras in place of the actual NASCAR race.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As President Obama prepares to deliver a major jobs speech on Thursday, conservative Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry warned his supporters against falling prey to a politically motivated address full of “red herrings and fear-based rhetoric” that will be used to pass a dangerous socialist agenda. Perry said he believes the White House will leverage the country’s concern over unemployment to promote public sector jobs and the subsequent expansion of the federal government. “If you’re already struggling to make ends meet -- if you’re fighting to keep the IRS from your doorstep -- this is just going to make things worse. I should know. When I first started as a civil servant, I made $45,000 a year. But by 2007, I was making six figures and using my position to amass over a million dollars in government land deals. You know who paid for that? You. For the good the country, we can’t allow this to continue.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the Labor Day holiday upon us, and the ailing economy showing signs of continued stagnation as employment reports indicate no pickup in job creation during the remaining 16 weeks of 2011, the White House issued a statement Friday redefining Labor Day as a national day of mourning, commiserating the loss of America’s workforce, strength, middle class, and founding principles.

Labor Day celebrations were first observed in 1882 as a way of honoring the nation’s booming labor movement, a paragon to the rest of the world and a portent of America’s future might. “Today,” the White House told the country, “that’s all changed. Today, we pay tribute to our fallen co-workers, our foreclosed mortgages, and our friends lost to suicide or in hiding from debt collectors.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The San Narciso Police Department had an unusually busy week according to officers. Between Sunday and Thursday, units found themselves responding to a series of disturbance calls during performances of The Tank Players’ theatrical production of “It’s a Small World.” Several arrests were made, including a local high school football coach. A homemaker who confessed to various acts of terrorism and jihad was also detained for questioning by authorities, but was later released without being charged. SNPD spokesman Ren Williams said, “We’ve never seen anything quite like this. For whatever reason, about midway through the musical, people begin airing all their wrongdoings to the world. It's like watching a suspect break under enhanced interrogation -- just saying anything to make the pain stop. We’re still looking into it. For the time being, though, all upcoming performances have been cancelled.”