SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Hundreds of students from San Narciso College were arrested Tuesday night after violent, politically charged protests erupted across the campus in response to the announcement of President Obama's reelection. Police say the incident started with an argument shortly after 9:00 p.m., which escalated in an exchange of racial epithets. Eventually, around midnight, a fire started as outraged students burned campaign posters depicting support for Barack Obama. "It was the fire alarm that alerted police to the mayhem," said SNPD spokesman Ren Williams. Some nearby residents criticized police for their three-hour response time. Williams attributed the delay to the students themselves. "This is one of the most staunchly Republican towns in the nation. Certainly the most conservative in California. Therefore, none of the students could locate a Barack Obama poster or yard sign within county limits. So they made their own. Some even constructed elaborate effigies. That process took them a few hours. And that's when the blaze finally began." But school officials painted a much different picture, describing the demonstration as a misguided attempt to celebrate Bonfire Night -- a British holiday also known as Guy Fawkes Day -- on the wrong date.

This is serious. Several districts throughout the nation have reported incidents of voter suppression, obstruction, and irregularities with electronic voting machines. If you are turned away at the polling place for any reason, ask to file a provisional ballot, demand the name of the person who turned you away, and call 866-MYVOTE1.

SPECIAL GUEST EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To those of you outside San Narciso County, Calif., who may not be familiar with my campaign, I'd first like to introduce myself. My name is F. Chester Greene. I'm a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically, and religiously conservative Republican; and I'm running for the office of President of the United States of what used to be America. Sure, you haven't seen me mincing and preening across your TVs during those ridiculous debates, and that's because I respect you enough to not waste your valuable time dickering about policies I'll only flip-flop on as soon as I'm nominated. Campaigns are terribly painful ordeals -- mostly for the voters forced to endure them. And if you were to vote for me based on whatever tactics I employed to attack my opponents, I'd only let you down once in office.

My quote-unquote peers, on the other hand, clearly have nothing better to do with their time, your vote, or all that PAC money they've raised. They don't care about you. In fact, one could argue that they really hate your guts. But I understand that dignity is precious; that your intelligence has done nothing to warrant insult; and I've saved my money to beat the spineless, vacuous waste of outside air who hopes to earn his coveted seat in the Oval Office. See, I've bided my time to go against that moron, who will probably be an elitist with a history of questionable spiritual convictions, wishy-washy policies, and serial marriages. Or, it'll be the Mormon. I'm banking on the write-in vote, which gives you more power over your ballot by transforming it into a mandate -- not a glorified Scantron. Plus, as a write-in candidate, I've got a better chance of earning your vote since you've no doubt realized what festering idiots -- of heroically vile proportions -- these candidates really are. If you're mad as hell and don't want to take it anymore, then write my name on your ballot for president. If you're not sure why, here's a list of my positions -- of the things we all should stand for.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last week, Microsoft announced the official release of Windows 8, which promised the most dramatic redesign of a familiar American institution in decades. As if to follow suit Friday, representatives from the SAT program unveiled an unprecedented overhaul to one of the nation's most entrenched, and dreaded, educational rites of passage. Nearly all four-year universities today require entrance exams such as the SAT prior to enrollment. The purpose of these tests, according to their creators and proponents, is to measure a prospective student's preparedness for college. "Right now, the best gauge of a student's ability to complete college is financial readiness," said Prudence Lehrer, a representative from the College Board. "Kids and their parents must demonstrate their commitment to giving away a small fortune with no promise of anything in return as a result of the degree. So, we've updated our tests to accommodate the educational demands of this dynamic time."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce was forced to shutter the community’s second annual Haunted House Spooktacular, scheduled to open Wednesday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. Unfortunately, the event drew more police and paramedics than Halloween thrillseekers in its three short hours of operation. Signs posted around the county by event organizer Francis Baldhamer warned: "If you can't afford to have the pants scared off you, don't wear any!" While only a few inappropriate teens took the message at its word, the problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. "I don't know how things went so wrong," a flustered Baldhamer told reporters. "Because of some creepy thematic elements and frightening scenes, we were worried that younger kids could become very upset by a few of the images. But we had no idea how upset the kids -- and their parents -- would actually get. This is truly a tragedy." The theme for this year's event was "American Nightmares," a politically charged horrorshow that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan reelected to the office of president. Bennington Vale is one of the nation's most conservative cities, and Baldhamer expected some watery eyes and unsettled nerves. He didn't expect soiled clothes, seizures, heart attacks and three suicide attempts.