OSHKOSH, Wis. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Short on delegates, popular appeal and funds, embattled White House hopeful Newt Gingrich made a brief and desperate appearance in Wisconsin Friday. Economically, Gingrich has been sustained by his half million dollar revolving credit account at Tiffany's -- where he eats his only meal of the day, breakfast -- and the generous financial backing of Sheldon Adelson, a Las Vegas benefactor who dumped more than $16 million into a Super PAC to support the campaign. However, Adelson is now sending signals that Gingrich's race is run and that he will start supporting Romney. The former Speaker of the House came to the state with the intent of addressing students at the University of Wisconsin, Oshkosh. Instead, Gingrich mysteriously changed the venue to a nearby Piggly Wiggly, where he gave an incomplete and emotionally awkward speech before asking someone to show him how the "damned Mega Millions lottery machine" worked.

Photo courtesy of AP

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donning a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses in a show of solidarity for slain Florida teen Trayvon Martin, Rep. Bobby Rush (D-Ill.) was called out of order by Rep. Gregg Harper (R-Miss.) and escorted from the House floor. Rush appeared dressed in a suit jacket, but replaced it with a hoodie prior to addressing his colleagues with the following statement: "Too often, this violent act that resulted in the murder of Trayvon Martin is repeated in the streets of our nation. I applaud the young people all across the land who are making a statement about hoodies, about the hoodlums in this nation, particularly those who tread on our laws wearing official or quasi-official clothes." Like Martin, Rush was unarmed, African American and had his face concealed by a cowl. Although House rules prohibit representatives from wearing hats during congressional sessions, Rush was removed for what security personnel referred to as "grave safety concerns" and inciting panic. Witnesses claim mayhem erupted during the otherwise routine proceedings as representatives fled screaming for their lives, while others scrambled to grab firearms from security officers to defend themselves from the threat.

Photo courtesy AP

SAN NARCISO, Calif.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just weeks after an American Airlines flight attendant was removed from a plane for making an outburst about 9/11 and her fears the plane would crash, the captain of a JetBlue flight en route to Las Vegas from New York suffered a bizarre midair breakdown that required passengers to subdue him. The co-pilot told the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) that he became concerned about the captain's erratic behavior shortly after Flight 191 left Kennedy International Airport. During the commute, the captain inexplicably left the cockpit and began walking the cabin, ranting about bombs and al Qaeda. At that point, a former corrections officer and six other passengers restrained him. The co-pilot diverted the flight to Texas, where an ambulance took the captain to an Amarillo hospital. Tuesday evening, however, the captain called reporters from his hospital room and blamed his emotional collapse on his realization that the United States had been taken over by gay terrorists plotting to banish Christians to the moon -- something he learned during the non-stop media coverage of the Republican primaries.

FALLS CHURCH, Va. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A family spokesperson told reporters that former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney was doing well after his long-awaited heart transplant on Saturday. Cheney, 71, has suffered five heart attacks since age 37. In 2011, he confessed that a special pump had been implanted in his heart the year before. He described it as "a miracle of modern technology," but also as a "temporary measure" to keep him alive. Doctors worried about the implant failing in recent months because the pump had been developed by Halliburton labs -- the same group that designed the cementing plugs for BP's Deepwater Horizon well. Following surgery, Cheney spent Sunday resting and chatting with friends in the hospital. He openly expressed relief at being rid of his old heart, referring to it as a dictatorial sadist bent on destroying his physiological liberties: "I made the decision any concerned American would make -- I sent in an occupying force to depose the enemy and replace it with a governing body more in line with the ideologies of the surrounding systems."

SANFORD, Fla. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following George Zimmerman's Feb. 26 killing of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, who threatened him with a bag of Skittles, authorities let the armed neighborhood watch captain walk free, citing the state's "Stand Your Ground Law" of self-defense. On Thursday, Zimmerman strengthened his case by invoking what legal insiders have named the "Skittle's Defense." Zimmerman is just one of many victims who displayed the courage to leverage the protection of the sweeping Florida law, which posits that a belligerent and predatory offense is a heck of a defense. One Florida official explained that "Mr. Zimmerman was so frightened of what Trayvon Martin might do with his bag of Skittles, he hunted him down like a three-legged dog with arthritis and butchered him on the street corner. That's the power of fear. Fight or flight. Zimmerman did what any of us would've in the same situation."

On Friday afternoon, Zimmerman made headlines once again by killing two more people in Sanford who frightened him half to death. Again, police did not have enough evidence to make an arrest. Among Zimmerman's latest assailants were a disabled senior citizen and a mime.